Alexis Explains It All

totally serious: got any advice?

2012-01-30T12:24:00.000-05:00

Today I am 29 years old. And while most people don't have any idea it's my birthday unless I say "It's my birthday!" (which I kind of feel lame doing but I've already done it twice) I'm now following "It's my birthday!" with "Got any advice?"

Since almost everyone is older than me (not in a bad way, just stating the factoids) I'd like to know if you have any advice for this 29 year old? Pretend your 29 year old self is sitting across from you asking for advice, what would you tell that person?

please tell me i'm not the only one

2012-01-23T08:30:00.006-05:00

Here's a story I'd like to call "I'm an Asshole". I have no problem admitting it, because I am, in fact, an asshole.

I have a new passion in my life. It's called "All Sport Socks" by Reebok. My first encounter with these Reebok socks was last year when I found a pair taped together for $2.97 on clearance at DICK'S. [DICK'S is really the name of the sports store. See?] They were taped together with packing tape, no box or label and one pair was zebra print the other was circles and I'm a sucker for cute, weird socks. I just thought totally cool! and I bought them, not realizing that knee socks are SO FUCKING AWESOME and since that epiphany I've been looking for more ever since but I was looking for knee socks not realizing Reebok calls them All Sport Socks. I happen to find a three pack on clearance at DICK'S yesterday while shopping, the only problem is they are annoyingly black and gold. While I love crazy socks, I really would appreciate just a plain black pair and not have people think I'm buying my socks based on my local sports teams. [Go Pens!]

I bought them anyway. Enjoy the flannels.

If you've never been in DICK'S then I'll tell you that the store is sectioned off and in those are brand subsections. Since the socks are Reebok branded, that means I was in or around the Reebok area of the Women's section. This is important to remember the brand Reebok.

So I have my socks happily in hand when I turn around and this disaster is staring me in the face.

And I burst out laughing.

This is where I ask you, my readers that are of or around the same age or maturity level as I to tell me that I am not the only one that thinks this is hysterical. In fact, it's so funny that it's the new wallpaper on my phone so every time I wake my phone up from the black screen I see that picture. Every time I check the time I see that picture. That picture gives me so much joy in my life.

If you don't think it's funny, then 1. You must be all PC and/or 2. You may not know that people [Americans?] have shortened the term Retarded to ReeRee. Does Reebok know this? By this sign, I would say no. However, they did have other signs that said "ReeTrain" and "ReeSomething" and I got what Reebok was doing with those ads, but the ReeRun just jumped out at me as being completely wrong. [Dare I say Reetarded?].

I'd like to thank Reebok for making my day, I know you guys were being clever with this ad concept but perhaps you should give me a ring next time you hold an advertising focus group. I'd be representing the active girl with the maturity level of a twelve year old and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

i'm totally sane.

2012-01-13T09:39:00.001-05:00

A couple days ago I experienced a huge wave of relief and excitement after finding something I have been looking for for years: The picture of the UFO I took when I was ~~sent away~~ at two week stayaway camp.

See, back when I was like.. 14 or 15 my parents thought it would be nice for me to go to this camp. Sure it was cool and I met a bunch of ~~rich~~ kids, I can't say I made lifelong friends there because I didn't but I had fun. I was given a disposable camera for the trip and I took a lot of nature shots, turns out when cliques go to camp together they're still cliques even on neutral ground so I didn't have a lot of other humans to take pictures with. Poor, awkward 14 or 15 year old me.

One day we were taken on hike to the highest point in Pennsylvania which is Mount Davis. There we climbed an observation tower where we were told you could see like all the bordering states. With my trusty Kodak in hand I thought it would be a great idea to take a picture of each bordering state from the tower, at the time I thought I was a creative genius not realizing that I would have no idea what I would be looking at once I got the film developed, which is exactly what happened.

BUT! instead of just some boring bordering state like Ohio I inadvertently captured a UFO. Yes, a UFO and the other day I found the picture to back up all the times I told people that I took a picture proving that UFOs are for reals. Ha! Who feels stupid now?

So here's my UFO picture taken about fourteen years ago.

Picture scanned, no edits

Picture cropped, no edits

Picture cropped and "sharpen" edit used.

I am the proud photographer and owner of the obligatory blurry UFO picture and I hope you all enjoy this totally undeniable proof that there are unidentified flying objects zipping around Pennsylvania getting photographed by kids.

survived.

2012-01-03T10:50:00.000-05:00

I'm happy to say that the Holidays are over. Our Christmas Tree and lights came down on December 28th and we've already reorganized the office, something we do once a year, so I guess from now on it's just coasting. Next up will be my birthday, I'll be 29. I like being 28 and I don't want to see that year go, but we all get older and age is really only a number.

We'll see how this 2012 year goes. I'm still not back on Blogging and I can't say I will get back to it or not. I just don't have the flare for it. I've been out of work for quite some time and not sure when I'll go back to regular hours, but it's not looking eventful. My phone is on the fritz and I don't know if I should keep trying to revive it or just get a new one, I'm not in the mood for committing to a two year contract - I have a lot of First World Problems.

Anyway, hope you all had a great Christmas / New Year and maybe I'll read ya soon.

heavy post.

2011-12-20T07:31:00.000-05:00

If there was a Miss Melancholy contest, I think I would be crowned queen. I have no explanation to why I feel so down and empty, maybe it's been magnified by the death of one of Eric's family members and being around death and flowers and sorrow but Melancholic is the correct term. [Melancholic makes me sound like I have a bad cough right?]

So while laying in bed last night watching The Vampire Diaries [seriously] I was thinking about everything in general and I really wanted to figure out a way to express how I've been feeling. I'm good with words, not drawings or sketches but I'm not in the mood to write. I thought of my camera and how it's been collecting dust recently and how lame I've been with it and I came up with a new "project" for me after looking at some Camera Phone pictures I took.

Here's the Camera Phone picture I took about two months ago after using my Clever Photo app to edit it:

I've really latched on to this picture and I want to take more like it with my Nikon. I want to capture feelings of Emptiness with my camera. Sure "Empty" is not original in the least, but I think it could be something cool for me to do with my time and an excuse to take my camera with me everywhere. I'm very much introspective, so much that I can't convey how I feel in actual words or any understandable way so maybe my camera can do it for me.

Fluctuations

2011-12-15T08:07:00.000-05:00

Since Mid-October I've kind of been "checked out" of blogging. I can't put my finger on the reason, there's been several little instances but nothing traumatic or earth-shattering that I could name that all of a sudden put a wall up between me and my space on the internet.

Am I done with blogging? I don't know, but since that Mid-October switch that was flipped, I stopped worrying about it. I stopped seeing things in my life and the first thought being "That would be fun to blog about!" That could be because I've had no life since Mid-October, work was hectic, I could do nothing more than work, come home, get some sleep then work some more. I appreciated my paychecks that's for sure, but now that it's going into the slow season in my industry I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. I am potentially off until 2012 and while others are envious, this workaholic may end up in a rubber room out of boredom.

I've also turned into one of those people: a runner. Ew gross, I know, get it off of me! But after losing some weight due to StressFest I wanted to get in front of my weight loss and work to keep it off. After all, I had to buy some new clothes and being the cheap bastard I am, I don't want them going to waste. Running is really cool, and I never thought I'd like it as much as I do but I get to go on my Treadmill, put my headphones on, and run out all my stress all while letting my mind wander. No choreography, no dance moves, no flailing around in my living room, I get to space out and run. That's a big reason why I love running, I get to live in my head for that time without distraction. I need that decompression time or else I end up wanting to decompress someone's face.

Since I'm potentially out of work until 2012, do you have any suggestions for me to fill my time? Maybe I should make that a feature on my blog, have people comment something for me to do and I would HAVE to do it then chronicle it on here. Of course it would be fully up to me if I do it or not, but I would definitely consider your suggestions. Maybe that could be a new Blog Meme or something. [You heard it here first!] It could be called "Make Me Do It". That could be fun, right?

I'll be back soon, hopefully with some fun stuff for your eyeholes!

Sweet & Spicy Walnuts

2011-11-30T11:40:00.000-05:00

Here's a recipe I tried over the Thankskilling weekend and it was so fucking good I wanted to share it.

Sweet & Spicy Sesame Walnuts

Ingredients

1 lb Walnut Halves (about 4 cups)
1 cup Sugar
1/2 cup Water
2/3 cup Sesame Seeds
1 ¼ teaspoons Cayenne Pepper
1/2 teaspoon Kosher Salt

Directions

Preheat oven to 350° and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

In a large, wide saucepan, combine the walnuts, sugar and water and bring to a boil. Add the sesame seeds, cayenne and salt and cook over moderate heat, stirring constantly, until the water is nearly evaporated, about 4 minutes. Lower the heat and cook, stirring constantly, until the walnuts are golden brown and sandy, about 4 minutes longer.

Immediately pour the walnuts onto the prepared baking sheet and spread in a single layer. Bake for about 20 minutes, until the nuts are deeply golden and covered with a sandy coating. Let the walnuts cool completely. Break any large clusters apart; transfer to a bowl to serve.

The only change I made was I omitted the Sesame Seeds

Now if you're an Aquarius like me, you'll want to make these and take them to your Office / Family / Social Event because you will get showered with the ego-stroking compliments Aquarians need to survive. I've gotten Phenomenal, Amazing, Addicting, I Hate You, and so on and so forth. It feels SO GOOD.

If you make them, come back and let me know how it goes or if you tweaked it!

finger in the dam.

2011-11-21T13:08:00.000-05:00

A real writer would say that they have writer's block but since I'm only a wanna-be writer and only half-assing that part, I'm just going to say that I've been stopped up, plugged, corked, and generally not interesting enough to put thoughts to paper or in this case, type keys to screen to make words.

I looked through all the drafts I have saved and I don't want to finish them, I want to start fresh. I need some new ideas. I need inspiration, there's inspiration everywhere but it's not forming into anything I can work with. I consider myself somewhat of an artist (of words, not pictures, to subject you to even the smallest doodle would be torturous) and I feel this urge be creative but I can't make anything out of it.

For one, I don't feel like talking about me aaaand that's kind of the entire purpose of having your own blog, I made myself a dot com for fuck's sake. Hopefully I'll be back to being the dead pan, sarcastic, self-centered blogger that I am, but right now I'm just not feeling it.

For second, it's The Holidays. And Eric is being weird. For ~~those of you~~ the entire internet that doesn't know my boyfriend, he is so not into The Holidays. But some Christmas cheer was leaked when our neighbors boxed us in while decorating and compromised the surrounding air supply and Eric got infected. He went out and bought Christmas stuff to make a wreath and when I saw him in the living room weaving it I knew it was over and he was a goner. RIP.

For Thirds, I'm coming up on some much needed time off from work. However, being the work-a-holic and someone who cannot physically or mentally relax, I'm terrified of what this is going to do to me. I'm either going to be an insane tornado ripping through my house getting everything done, or I'll turn into a trash heap that will refuse to abandon the comfort of her PJs or turn off HBOGo. Yes, I will watch Due Date 25 times and be completely okay with it.

Just to recap, I'm brimming with stuff but can't focus it into anything useful, my boyfriend was turned into a Christmas Zombie and soon I will have nothing to do but sit at home and it took me 6 hours to finish this post. Fuck. May the force be with me.

things that have been keeping me from blogging.

2011-11-14T07:59:00.001-05:00

Here is a list of things that I have been doing instead of blogging.

1. Triple Town on Google+

I only use G+ for the games - not for being social or connecting with Friends since that's what Facebook is for. Triple Town preys on the type of people who love puzzles and have an almost OCD-like addiction to making things match up, which is me.

2. I'm Hardcore.
I haven't had two days off in a row from work since September 10th & 11th so fucked up shit can't happen to me since I'm either confined to my desk or asleep in my bed.

3. The Black Keys.
Where have they been all my life? I don't know, but I'm officially in love with them.

(This is a new song from their new album coming out on December 6th)

Oh the Superiority of an Aquarius.

2011-11-03T11:20:00.000-04:00

Two people watching their DVR of the Halloween Episode of The Big Bang Theory.

[Commercial Break]

Me: Hey, don't forget about making your coffee tonight for tomorrow.

Him: Ok, I'll remember. [he forgets]

[Subway's highly annoying "Anytober" commercial comes on advertising any of their subs for $5 in the month of October]

Me: Uhh.. don't they know it's fucking November? What idiots.

Him: [staring at me]

Me: [staring back]

.....

Me: Oh. It's November. We're watching the DVR.

Him: Yeah, you idiot.

Me: Well you could fast forward this shit.

it's not the quality that bothers me. it's the means.

2011-10-26T09:52:00.000-04:00

Welfare check - I'm alive! I'm falling behind, especially since my Baby Creeps post, I thought I would start a series where I write about all the things that gives me the creeps, but that list is hella long and I kind of over-intimidated myself with posting.

I rediscovered Taking Back Sunday's "Louder Now" album, something I totally forgot I was in love with. It's from 2006 and the only album of theirs I own so I can't vouch for any of their other work, but god this cd is so good.

Here's one of my favorite tracks, Twenty Twenty Surgery.

baby creeps.

2011-10-17T09:37:00.002-04:00

I know there are such things as people, men and women alike who never grow up or ever want to grow up, I believe I am one of them because I get the creeps when I think about my future and what America has ingrained in its inhabitants on what they're supposed to do in life, like get married and have babies. That gives me the creeps.

Babies = Creeps. I'm not calling babies creeps, I mean, I'm sure there are some weird ones out there. Wait. I'm just going to let that simmer for a second because I'm getting the giggles thinking of calling a baby a creep. Which is the exact maturity level I have at 28 and why I should not be allowed to have children. You should've seen me suppressing heaves when my mother mentioned "Grandbabies" over the phone to me. I literally almost lost my cookies, after sitting around all day eating cookies and thinking "Fuck yeah!" to myself.

Not long after that creep fest, I was attacked again when my neighbor was talking to me about her freshly minted three year old and how she started Head Start or pre Head Start or whatever, and how I should look into that program when I have my kids.

WHEN I have my kids.

My faced looked like this:

o_O

I'm starting to believe all these people with children are trying to recruit me into their cult. I know why they ask me about when I'm having kids, it's because I'm so damn good with their kids [matching maturity levels] and their kids like me. I don't have an explanation, the only thing I do differently is that I treat them like short, little adults. I once gave a curious two year old who liked to dig into dirt a spiked gardening tool, sure my boyfriend was horrified, but the kid liked it, besides it wasn't like I wasn't right there.

By default I associate Children with Vaginas since that's where they come from, not the stork as I have been previously told so when people ask about Children I immediately think they're thinking about my nether regions. It's inexplicably weird and unnerving. I obviously have issues. I mean, I'm a blogger right? And I totally just talked about how uncomfortable I feel when I think people are thinking about my vagina and here I am writing it on the internet. So I think I'm just going to wrap up this post right now.

Stop thinking about it!

that one time with the storm door.

2011-10-11T09:20:00.000-04:00

I've written on here before that I have a debilitating fear of someone breaking into my house while I'm at home. This fear struck this past Friday while I was home alone and my boyfriend was out at a bar. Sure I could've gone with him to celebrate a birthday of someone we both knew but I've been working a lot and these days all I want to do is come home and catch up on all the shows I've been missing since I'm too exhausted to stay up past 830pm.

There I was, laying in bed with the cats watching Middle Men on Netfrix. (Not a bad movie by the way) when I heard the storm door open. My cat, Jango, who is frightened of strangers and runs to a safe place to peek out when the front door opens immediately did the cat thing of turning into stone while dilating his pupils, confirming that someone was coming to kill me.

My thoughts were going a million miles a second, the cat froze, I'm going to end up on Dateline and I hope Eric doesn't get blamed. I knew Eric wasn't home but I thought I'd better seem composed and cooly call out "Eric, is that you?" while grabbing an evil looking putter which my father bought me that's supposed to go into my golf bag but because it looks so evil I thought it would make a better weapon and I keep it by my bed.

Thanks Dad

I mean, do you want to get whacked with that? I used to play softball so I know how to swing and I have great aim.

Doing my best brave-girl impression I grabbed the phone and started to call Eric while white-knuckling the putter and approaching the door.

"Are you home?" I shakily asked.
"No."
"Ok, well I just heard the storm door open"
"It's probably just the wind, it's really windy out" [lying]
"Will you be home soon?" [It was 10:45pm]

Talking to Eric made me feel better, enough that I could actually let him get off the phone. I walked around the house making sure my shit was on lockdown, but being on lockdown didn't make me feel like the confident woman I am because what if someone was in my house and I had to run out and I forgot I bolted the doors a thousand times and I couldn't get out fast enough? I told myself that I just had to remember to unbolt the doors when running for my life. Don't forget that Alexis! Then I came to the basement.

F U C K.

THE BASEMENT.

Do you have any idea how scary a basement is? Why do they even make them? To scare the shit out of people, that's why they make basements. I knew for fucking sure that I was not going down there. I had to see if the door was locked though and when I put my hand on the door knob just to make sure, my wild imagination told me that it was heavier than usual because someone was holding it on the other side of the door. And I almost threw up.

Power walking back to the living room, I strategically placed myself on the couch where there was no way I could miss seeing something and no one could sneak up on me. I nervously opened my computer and started to play a couple of distracting games, while holding in the urge to go to the bathroom. I knew this was coming, I was that kid who could never hide for very long during Hide and Go Seek because of a bladder that couldn't handle the adrenaline of such a game. I really didn't want to go because that's a major vulnerability and I don't want to get killed going to the bathroom. That would be so embarrassing and a detail Dateline would not leave out. I could hold it no longer and crept to the bathroom gripping my putter and the phone, did my business without incident and crept back to the living room avoiding all the noisy spots in the floor.

I made it until Eric got home and demonstrated exactly what I heard with the storm door and again he tried to convince me it was windy despite the two of us standing in a windless night talking about the phantom door-opener. Hi, I'm Alexis, I'm 28 and can't stay home by myself at night.

important.

2011-10-06T11:10:00.000-04:00

We are the 99 Percent

the eight person blowout

2011-09-29T07:50:00.002-04:00

A Saturday or two, or three ago, because I have no concept of time, was the bonfire we had planned for like a month. We invited people via that godawful Facebook thingy to make sure we had actual butts to fill the seats we were going to put out and a Saturday morning headcount proved that we had the potential to have like 16 live humans showing up. In reality, we know a bunch of ~~flakes~~ "Maybes" so cut that sixteen in half, and you have our guest list, including two drunk crashers that crashed before the party even started. While it was still daylight.

The fire was lit, music was playing and drinks were in hand when the subject, which I can only imagine gets brought up at everyone else's adult social gatherings came up; butt sex. That's totally appropriate right? I know! I'd like to illustrate in graph form the opinion of said subject to the masses for educational purposes:

Big Ups to Kids Zone for helping me with my graph

Besides that, other talking points came up, like how women need to take their stress out on the kitchen by cooking dinner and cleaning or mopping while pregnant. Perhaps my backyard is a time warp into the 1950s? I dunno. But soon, the girls broke off by themselves and the guys did things like pee in my yard, somewhere I'll never be able to go ever again.

For this special social occasion, Boyfriend bought a case of Smirnoff Ice, these fruity-flavored girly drinks so he could get me drunk but the joke's on him - I only needed 3/4 of a bottle to feel it. I bet all you alcoholics are mad jealous at my secret super power of getting buzzed before I'm done with one drink. In fact, I still may be drunk right now. 2:30am rolled around and by that time, with my buzz just about dried up, I did some time calculations that I had been up for 23 hours, based on a 25 hour day because when someone has been up for 22 hours, they'll believe anything they think. At least I'll be able to cross "Being Social" off my 2011 To Do List.

because i had ten extra dollars.

2011-09-26T12:15:00.001-04:00

alexisexplainsitall dot coooooooom [that's the Expedia dot com chorus]

I feel a great responsibility now that I'm a DOT COM. Actually, I have no idea what I'm doing or where this will go, all I know is that I paid ten bucks to type less when I troll my own blog. I have an ~~hvac installer~~ graphic designer boyfriend and thought he could bring this godless internet sinkhole up a few notches into somewhat cool territory, but then he started talking at me about hosting and domains and stuff that I didn't even know were words, my eyes glazed over and he had to explain it as this:

Doman: "Buying a House"
Hosting: "Paying the taxes on the house"

Um, why are you still talking and not graphically designing my shit?

Maybe there will be some changes, maybe there won't. The internet, to me, is this glowing invisible tunnel of information located under my house and if I dig too far down I'll hit it and have internet seepage in my yard.

Seepage.

I registered through eNom because 1) that GoDaddy guy killed an elephant and I really like elephants. and 2) I dunno, I think the elephant thing is enough. Fuck that guy.

i should be someone that writes words on paper.

2011-09-22T10:15:00.002-04:00

It seems as though Blogging for me is the equivalent of a man thinking of his mother during sex, I have a Flaccid Blog. I'm still writing so I'm not just hangin' there, but when I come here to write something funny I hit some sort of invisible wall. I hate all my words, nothing is entertaining or even amusing. I edit my post down to the piece of burnt toast you scrape from the bottom of the toaster during your Bicentennial toaster cleaning and then I promptly Save As Draft and cry.

Perhaps I need to set some Blogging Goals? Or focus on a pre determined subject? Because I have had no problem writing up a 16 page report, with pictures, to the Board of Supervisors concerning my reasonable and totally legitimate ~~obsession~~ need to have Chickens. I'm so excited about my report that I'm mad at my boyfriend for not reading it, I guess 16 pages exceeds his attention span? Did I mention with pictures? The pictures are the reason why I can't send it to everyone or post it. It's just too big ~~that's what she said!~~

Perhaps I'll get some inspiration after Saturday. See, last month I put together some plans to have an "End of Season" ~~blowout~~ get together at my house with Bonfire, Drinks, Snacks and Friends. In true Alexis & Eric fashion we have the bonfire, the drinks and the snacks but the friends are up in the air. Eric even did the Facebook Invite thingy, so really, there should be no excuses why you can't show up because 1) We had this planned since August. 2) You didn't "not get" my text message/email about the party because I never sent one 3) We posted it on Facebook so I know you saw it and 4) See #3.

We also invited our neighbors, it's pretty strange being a new neighbor. They're our age, and really cool but only recently have we started to exchange full sentences and conversations. I guess treading lightly with neighbors, since you could end up living next to them for the rest of your lives, is a good idea. I don't want to scare anyone off with my use of the word Cuntbag and Eric's penchant for F-Bombs. It would be nice if they came over, maybe it could brush the tension off, but they will get exposed to our potty mouths sooner or later. We're harmless, we just like to swear like sailors, play video games and adopt cats. ~~Maybe that's why you have nothing to blog about.~~

Double Life

2011-09-16T10:00:00.001-04:00

Today I discovered that I have unknowingly created a Double Life for myself, Real Life Alexis vs. Online Life Alexis and it all started innocently enough: Google-ing.

While I don't like to admit it, I sometimes miss the good 'ol days of High School so occasionally when I'm bored at work with a keyboard at my fingers and a blank screen in my face, I'll type in people's names to see what comes up. I'm not stalking or creeping, I'm bored.

Today was one of those days - during a lull in busy work I started typing in names and judging if I would friend them if I had my own Facebook account [which I do not]. Whilst typing, I found one person who had signed up for Twitter. I was like "Cool!" and I let the creeper in me out and proceeded to read their Tweets, unfortunately they were mostly negative and uninteresting, but I thought it would be nice to add someone I knew to Twitter. Why? Because Online Life is a popularity contest.

[Sidenote] I only know three people in real life that I follow on Twitter. I also Locked my Twitter account due to the Casey Anthony Angry Villagers and never unlocked it because I enjoyed the control.

After finding that particular person, I spent a significant amount of time weighing the pros and cons of Following said person and I decided that I valued my privacy and my online life enough to forgo adding them as a friend. This is what triggered my epiphany that I have a Double Life because I won't include someone I used to know in real life into my online life. I haven't seen or spoke to them in years and thought that it would be nice to add them, but I saw the repercussions before they could happen.

Behold, the Snowball Effect:

Follow PastFriend on Twitter → PastFriend Follows back → PastFriend reads through Tweets → PastFriend finds Blog → PastFriend reads Blog → PastFriend may/may not be mentioned on Blog → PastFriend is possibly offended and/or criticizes Blog → Alexis is hurt/offended → PastFriend mentions Blog in negative Tweets → PastFriend's Friends go to Blog → Chaos ensues → Alexis deletes Blog/Stops Blogging → Alexis is sad.

Or this:

PastFriend Follows back → PastFriend's Friends want to Follow too [popularity contest remember?] → PastFriend's Friends know undesirables → Undesirables gain access/find Blog → Undesirables find Alexis → Alexis ~~is dead~~ now has Drama

Am I being a tad-bit dramatic with the Snowball Effect? Yes. Why? Despite being on the internet, which is vast and far reaching, I know of 1 or 2 people that read my blog In Real Life. I don't talk about my Blog when conversing with live humans, the subject has never come up and I have never volunteered such info. If the subject did ever come up, I would side-step the question and move on. I enjoy my Real Name Anonymity.

I tiptoe a very fine line between Known and Unknown. Everything on here is real, you won't find any CatFish situations here, but very few know about this. I don't know if I'd still be able to write knowing that real people that I could run into at the store or in my house or the bank were reading my posts. It's this odd crippling fear of being confronted or criticized about what I write. I've always had this fear which is why by the time I was in the Sixth Grade, my nose constantly in a book and dreaming of being a writer, I knew I would need a pseudonym.

How 'bout my Fellow Bloggers? Do you guys have Double Lives?

PS: Definitely check out CatFish. It's such a great movie for us who live Online.

i think i found out why women make less money than men.

2011-09-14T08:36:00.001-04:00

I work with a client that has frequent meetings, it's a Prevention Group and they hold these classes and they always have lots of information everywhere, posters, pamphlets, etc. This morning, my eyes fell upon one of their posters that piqued my interest.

Weapons in the Workplace. My first thought was that the poster was going to list potential weapons like scissors, pens, letter openers, and I wanted to be informed in case I would ever need a makeshift weapon, but it's actually what happens when someone already has a weapon. [Duh Alexis, second line.]

Reading the list and filling my brain with tidbits of knowledge I got caught up on a single pronoun.

She. She? She? She? She?!

blah-blah-blog

2011-09-13T12:13:00.000-04:00

Hello readers, bloggers and random internet searchers. I've been gone, not because I'm doing super, fun stuff but because I haven't been doing super, fun stuff and have nothing to write about.

Let's start off with my new obsession; Chickens. I know it's sick how much I've been talking about Chickens but I've decided to get a little serious about it and I am in the process of filing an 8 Page Zoning Appeal. I've been ~~working~~ thinking about it for the past week. I haven't filled anything out yet because they've insured that anyone who wants to file an appeal jump through as many hoops as possible. I need to attach a copy of the deed to my house and to-scale plans of what I plan on doing and give them 9 copies of everything since there are 9 Board members. Since I am someone who needs to be the best at everything, I also plan on including a report with statistics and the ordinances about Chickens of neighboring townships/boroughs/cities. So far, it's not good because there are no bordering townships or boroughs that allow Chickens. While it's an uphill battle, I plan on spinning it to the effect of "You can set a new precedent for self sufficiency." Plus I have Pittsburgh in my corner since they have allowed (3) Laying Hens per 2,000 Square Feet of lot space. Pittsburgh! A fucking Triangle Maze with Row Houses and no driveways can have Chickens but me, with over 30,000 square feet of lot space can't have Chickens.

It's been 10 Years. I can and can't believe it's been 10 years since September 11th 2001. I remember exactly what I was doing that day, who was around, the eerie quiet that fell over everything. Like others have said, they've gotten over it, Americans have come to terms with it and have moved on. I have and part of me doesn't like it. Instead of laying in bed for half the day, watching the History Channel and their all-day block of September 11th documentaries with a box of tissues at the helm, I watched one documentary then spent the day working outside in the sun. I don't want to be over it, I don't think it's fair that I can be over it after all those people suffered so horribly. My heart hurt all day on Sunday and I feel guilty because it didn't seem like it hurt enough. I'll Never Forget.

Weeding Out The Crap. I don't know if it's me getting older and wiser but I'm weeding out the stuff in my life that doesn't work. I've had it with my Yahoo Mail account. There are so many bugs and their customer service doesn't seem to care, so I'm weeding out my email address that I've had since before I started blogging. I've also reached the end of my relationship with T-Mobile. Man, they are really fucking up. I've been a customer for 7 years, every month of those 7 years my bill has been due on the 1st of the month, until today. I get a message saying it's now due on the 25th. Why? I don't know, and the CSR Rep I spoke to couldn't help me. But with their shitty cellphone service, their shitty customer service and now them changing something that doesn't need changed, I'll be looking elsewhere. It's too bad that I only have AT&T and Verizon to choose from. I swore I'd never do business with Verizon again and I don't want anything to do with AT&T, I'd go to Virgin Mobile or Boost but their phones are stupid. What if I just got rid of my cellphone? That's a concept - no Facebook, no Cellphone, I may as well live in the Dark Ages because then no one will ever be able to get a hold of me ever again.

Lastly, I'll end this post on a fun note - Ke$ha Video for "Blow". I'm only posting it because while Eric and I were driving on back roads through the country [me scanning for chickens and coops] this song came on the radio and Eric had never seen the video [not like any channel plays videos anymore]. Kesha is a guilty pleasure, I love her manufactured club songs.

Something to Blog About

2011-09-07T15:47:00.002-04:00

I have no exciting news or stories going on right now so here's a picture of something that looks like it should be a picnic table but someone ran out of wood and decided that this was good enough.

Map Fail

2011-09-04T08:35:00.000-04:00

Geography is not my strong point and I am fully aware that being a 28 year old adult and not knowing where states are, much less countries and continents is really a shame, and I am ashamed. Ashamed enough that when I'm browsing home decor either online or in the stores, I keep it in the back of my head that I would really appreciate a map to hang in my house. I'd even like one those huge wallpaper maps, not only could it be decorative, but informative too!

Eric and I were in Toys R Us yesterday desperately searching for a gift for his two year old niece when we wandered into the FAO Schwartz area of Toys R Us [yes that exists but no giant piano] and hanging up was a large felt map that kids could identify where everything was.

I mentioned how I needed such a map since I was so map-stupid when I noticed this total break down of world knowledge:

[Yes, I am fully aware this picture doesn't fit]

Is this why Republicans don't believe in Climate Change?

Chicken Dance

2011-09-01T09:28:00.000-04:00

As I'm getting older, at the ripe old age of 28, I am realizing that I have a problem with authority and when I am told I can't do something my first reaction is now to question Why? instead of just shrugging and agreeing. Hence, another blog post about Chickens and the fact that my Township is telling me I can't have them.

Man, is this stuck in my craw or what?

I feel that I am being denied my ability to be self-reliant. I am reaching the point where I refuse to depend on others for things I can provide on my own, specifically eggs. There is one farm [that I know of, this doesn't speak for all the farms around] that will sell me eggs from Pasture-Chickens. Pasture Chickens are able to roam in fields, scratch freely and are humanely cared for and respected. This farm is 30 minutes away from me and you can only order and pick up during the Spring/Summer weather as their production of eggs slows down during Winter, then it's by appointment only and if they have eggs to sell.

To me, my township and the board of supervisors are limiting my choices on how I choose to feed myself and I personally think they're taking away a human right. That is an extreme way of thinking, but that's the only way to describe how I feel about this subject matter.

So, with that, I have composed my first email to an Associate Planner with my Township to get the ball rolling on how I can [possibly] change the "laws" they have regarding Chickens.

Good Afternoon Mr. Evans,

My name is Alexis, I have a question regarding Zoning and Ordinances for Blank Township PA. I currently reside at Blank St and in July 2011 I spoke to the zoning officer for Blank Township about allowing three to five laying hens, no roosters, on my property. He informed of the following:

1. My property is zoned as commercial, not residential.
2. Chickens are considered Farm Animals and to qualify as a Hobby Farm I would need 5+ Acres of land. I have .75 acres.

I would like to get information from the Planning Commission about applying for a permit or applying for a zoning variance in order to keep chickens on my property. I feel that this ordinance put in place by Blank Township is hindering the residents who want to be more self-sufficient and self-reliant. There are constant recalls on our food supply and a significant lack of government oversight especially when it comes to chickens and the cruel factory farms producing the eggs we all purchase in stores.

My plan would be to build a coop with an attached run, the chickens would not be free-range, they would have more space than the egg-laying chickens on factory farms and they would be responsibly cared for and housed by me.

Thank you Mr. Evans for your time, I am open to all suggestions and I am willing to do the leg work. If you are not the correct person to be corresponding with, I would greatly appreciate it if you could point me in the right direction.

Thank you again,

Alexis

Will I get a response? I don't know, but if I don't then my next step will be a letter. I'd like to know what their thinking was when putting in place these ordinances about Chickens. Factory Farm chickens are stacked in battery cages two stories high, they have no room to move and their beaks are sheared off to prevent them from pecking each other so why do I need 5+ Acres of land in order to have 3-5 Chickens? What I've researched from the internet about having your own chickens is a good rule of thumb is 2ft-4ft of room per chicken. I wouldn't even need all of my 3/4 of an acre to have 3-5 chickens.

When I'm told I can't do something and the reasoning doesn't make sense then I'm going to argue and fight it. These ordinances and rules don't make sense especially since Farms that provide food for America's families don't adhere to such regulations. It's stupidity at its finest.

Celebrity Migraine

2011-08-23T09:43:00.000-04:00

Yesterday while checking my email I got a message from Sears [yes I'm 80 years old, I shop at Sears and watch Dateline] about coming in and getting some tires. I would never in my life trust Sears auto AT ALL and just as I was about to delete the message I looked at the guy they had in the email measuring the tire alignment. He looked like an FBI Agent except with Sears on his bullet proof vest. I was going to make a blog out of the picture, but unfortunately I cannot get the picture out of the email on to this blog. So all these words before this sentence are pointless.

In place of my failure to learn the internet, I can tell you that when my alarm when off at 430am I was in deep sleep and dreaming about Lindsay Lohan. I know, FML. Like that's who I want to dream about. In fact, she was being a Mean Girl to me and I was yelling at her when my alarm went off. I was in such a deep dream and so into yelling at Lindsay Lohan that my arms weighed 500 pounds and I couldn't lift them to get to my alarm and as soon as I started to move I realized that I had a migraine. So thanks to Lindsay Lohan you stupid Mean Girl.

take a good look.

2011-08-22T07:32:00.001-04:00

I'm not sure how many people that visit my blog are gadget-enthusiasts. I am. If I had money to burn I would have every new, shiny electronic device on the market. I may be scared of what technology is doing to us, but it can be a lot of fun.

Last week HP made a big announcement that they were discontinuing their webOS and all the devices associated with it, this is including the HP Touchpad. (You know those commercials where the celebrity endorser is showing what they do with it but you never see their face? Russell Brand was the most recent spokesman.) The TouchPad was supposed to be a big deal, a real competitor to the iPad, but unfortunately not enough people latched on to the Touchpad - perhaps that had to do with the $500-$600 price tag.

I'm not an Apple person, I don't have an iPhone [so according to them I can't live] but I'll tell you the truth, with that amount of money in this economy I wouldn't be dropping $600 on an HP Touchpad, I'd go with the iPad and I think a lot of people feel the same.

Don't count HP out yet, because they turned around and did something really cool, they have drastically slashed their Touchpad prices. I mean drastically, as in, you can get the 16GB model for $99. Ninety-nine dollars. The original price for that model was upwards of $450! They also slashed their 32GB model to $149, marked down from $599 ($599 price was at Staples)

I won't buy the TouchPad for $450, but I will buy it for $99 or $149. In fact, I am one of those people scouring the web trying to find one, they are impossible to find right now. Sold out everywhere.

I think this is something retailers need to look at when releasing new products, prices are going up everywhere and HP ditched the TouchPad due to poor sales, but now, at the right price point, you can't even find a TouchPad on the internet, which is basically searching the world for one. I understand companies want to keep some kind of exclusivity to their products hence the high prices, but is it worth having your device gather dust on a shelf? Now we, the people who always wanted some sort of Pad Device but didn't want to buy some no name Coby or shell out even more for something called a Zoom or [max]iPad can have one. We can feel connected and digitally relevant.

My brother, who is a device-geek as well was able to snag two of the 32GB Models of the TouchPad. I'm getting it for Eric for his Birthday since I kinda-sorta didn't get him anything. I did, but I had to take it back and then I never replaced the gift. I'm still going to look for the $99 model for myself, I don't want to share.

You can go to the HP Website and sign up to get notified when the Touchpads are available again. Details are murky so it's hard to say who will be selling them in stores or online since HP had many big retailers ship the devices back to them.

Pfffft.

2011-08-18T08:16:00.000-04:00

I mentioned that 2011 is the year of my 10 year High School Reunion and while checking email this morning I read a message from a friend who was also going saying that it was cancelled! Due to lack of interest!

Way to go 2001, don't let nostalgia hit you in the ass on the way out.

I think it was due to poor planning, someone commented about having less than six weeks notice for out-of-staters or perhaps it was also because us reunioners had to pay $15 per person to go to our local park and eat unspecified food and drink unspecified drinks.

The concept was a nice idea for summer, but it wasn't exciting, it didn't compel you to go. It wasn't special. I was going to go, but I'm not going to lie, a part of me is relieved it got cancelled.

Have you gone to a H.S. Reunion before? Where was it? What did you do? Give me some ideas so I can pass them along and take credit for them.

The Little Things

2011-08-11T09:39:00.000-04:00

I don't have enough life material for a regular-sized blog post, so here are some little things:

My boss, the one I refer to as Windbag McGee has tendered his resignation. And in the blur of pure joy I did the Macarena. He wasn't a bad guy, just... we'll just leave it at that.

While raking leaves (in August no less!) I scraped a thin layer of skin off my thumb. I didn't think it was a big deal but it has been my most painful injury of 2011.

I think I'm going to go to my HS Reunion. FML.

I think I may join Facebook. FML.
-Although this whole Anonymous is going to kill Facebook thing is making me hesitate.

I am obsessed with HBO's "Hung". Thomas Jane, looks so good. I'd like to take my hat off to all the people who do nudity on camera [not porn]. I don't think it gets enough respect and it should. The show is really fantastic.

We are redoing our porch roof and while we were disassembling part of it, we found out that another Snowmageddon like 2009-2010's would've collapsed the roof. I was told two measly shims were holding it up on hollow posts. I can't even fathom the things other people are ok with.

I'd like to be friends with more writers. I have a great idea, at first it started out as a book, but because all I watch is HBO, I think it's a good TV Show now. I either need someone to shoot me down, or partner up so we can retire early. Who's in? *Please bring Script-Writing for Dummies.

To Go? Or Not To Go?

2011-08-02T08:15:00.003-04:00

FML it's been 10 years since I graduated high school. I only know because while at a friend's shindig, an old best-friend of mine brought up a reunion and pointed out how it's on Facebook.

Oh god, there's that Facebook thing again. I guess that's not going away? Apparently if you are not on Facebook then you will never have a clue about any of your friends ever again. Facebook is the new phone call, the new text message, the new hangout, the new letter, the new way of communicating and I am still refusing to jump on that bandwagon.

Though admittedly I am starting to feel left out.

So this whole Reunion thing. Yeah. No. I don't know.

First of all, let me say that I did not enjoy high school. I liked my friends, we had fun, I miss those times but due to an overbearingly strict mother, and being an awkward, angry girl with low self esteem that hated the hierarchy system [since I wasn't good enough for it], I didn't get to enjoy times as a High School kid. No blowout parties, No high school debauchery, No John Hughes type memories.

Do you guys know what a Senior Will is? For the graduating seniors, it's a short paragraph written by the senior that gets included in the back of the yearbook. It's basically Seniors "Willing" things to the lower classes or rehashing all their memories to each other in Secretive Codes to get past the adults.

Here is my Senior Will and I'll let you judge for yourself how awesome high school was for me. To get the Will started, they asked what our Nickname was and "Where will you be in 10 years?".

That my friends, is no joke. Is that what a future blogger looked like in 2001?

Rereading this made little memory bursts go off in my head. I still remember 99% of what each one means and it made me smile. I remember all the concerts I went to, all the bands I've seen live and it makes me want to go and see everyone again.

What I'd like to avoid is all the uncomfortable small talk with people I didn't get along with. The people that made comments about my clothes, the lack of right brands and labels. The girl that pointed out to the entire history class that I didn't wear a bra that one time. Thanks, that was awesome. That same girl also called me a Lesbian for reading books. Again, thanks.

But you can't edit out the bad in real life. You can't erase the memories that made you want to go all Alex Mack, sink into the floor and never be seen or heard from again. Attending a High School Reunion is running the risk of facing all that bad stuff, no longer locked away in your mind but now right in front of you.

Part of me wants to go, I'd like to see everyone, just to take a peek. The other part of me wants to avoid it like the plague, I feel like going would be admitting I liked high school enough to revisit it 10 years later.

I have until August 20th to decide. Like every awkward High Schooler, I'm going to base my decision on how many of my friends are going so I won't be alone and would have someone to talk to.

See - some things never change.

Facepalm

2011-08-01T09:25:00.000-04:00

Recently I have been thinking of being more sustainable and with my dreams of having my own laying hens for fresh, homemade, healthy, cruelty-free eggs being shot down by my local zoning commission [idiots] I've been trying to come up with other ideas to fill the void of the chickens. Seriously, it's a void.

It's already August and I've given up on gardening for the season. Maybe next season but really, I'm not into gardening that much. I've also thought of composting more, but the composter I want is $100 so I can't get it right this second, same story with the rain barrels.

I started to look at more locally produced..produce and there's a local farm that does weekly deliveries, my mom orders from them so I thought I'd give their Milk a try. I've known about this farm forever, I went to school with three [maybe more] of the kids who's family owns the farm and I believe they all work on it now. It's a family business and I'm glad to support it.

I placed an order with my Mom for a pint of their skim milk, I got a pint just to try since I wasn't sure if I would like the milk or not. I got my little wee pint and tried it and it didn't really have much of a taste at all but I thought it was really cool that I was trying some milk from some cows that didn't live too far away from me. I continued to sip it throughout the day and I did start to taste the flavor - I suppose I've been brainwashed from corporate milk, who knows.

Talking to my Mom two days later she says to me "Did you watch the news and see the story about The Farm?" I was like "No, why?" She replies "Because they're suspending their milk operations, something about people getting sick from it."

....

Facepalm.

My Mom added that it was just the milk that came in their half-gallon glass containers, not my little plastic one but I dumped the rest of the container anyway even though my Mom assured me I'd be sick by now. (Thanks!) I went on their website and they left a cryptic message that didn't give any details except that their regular testing of their milk all came back negative and they were working with the Health Department to find out what the problem was after a "small number" of illnesses.

Wow. Trying to be sustainable is really working out for me. No chickens. No local milk. I must have some sort of hex on me.

[Serious Post]

2011-07-30T08:45:00.000-04:00

I don't write serious posts that much, I try and keep stuff light-hearted and easy going. Today I'd like to voice my opinion about others voicing their opinions on the death of Amy Winehouse and addiction in general. First, I am sad about Amy Winehouse's death. I was a fan, but that doesn't make me any closer to her than that guy down the street.

What I'd like to address more is the subject of addiction in general. Now that Amy is dead, everyone has 20/20 hindsight and I'm reading about celebrities and their tweets and articles addressing their grief or sadness about Amy Winehouse's death and at the end of each post they preach the cover-all message [and I'm paraphrasing] "Don't make fun of addicts, help them." That's essentially the message celebs or others in the spotlight are transmitting to us regular people.

I don't go into personal details very much on here, I pick and choose what I want to write on my own blog after all it's mine and I give my permission to myself to write these things. I do not have permission from anyone else to write about them so I'm going to keep this generalized and nameless.

I have the unfortunate pleasure to say that I have experience with addiction. I'm not the addict but I am related to one or two and I know firsthand the struggles of being an addict's bystander - so I'd like to give that as my reference for writing this post, to show that I really do in fact, know what I'm talking about.

What inspired me to write this post was the blanket message I was given by people "Don't make fun of addicts, help them" this is in reference to all the tabloids who made fun of Amy Winehouse who stumbled around ________ off her rocker. She cancelled shows because she was too loaded to do anything but mumble, she made a spectacle of herself and didn't seem to care, which made headlines on all the gossip sites. If she didn't care, why should we?

So when I read Jared Leto's article in Rolling Stone [here] about Amy Winehouse and he said about laughing and tabloid fodder I was kind of like, "Dude. Do you know what you're talking about?" Neither Rolling Stone nor Leto gave any type of link for more information on addiction or help with addiction. Now, I really like Jared Leto and this isn't against him personally, but it seems like Rolling Stone needed an Amy Winehouse story and they got Jared Leto, a fellow musician to write it. Thanks for writing Jared, but I don't feel that your article did anything for the "good" of addiction.

My point to all this [finally, right?] is that all of these people are telling us to help our addicts, help them. Do something for them. Stop laughing and get to helping. As if laughing is all we do.

I don't know about other Countries but in America, you cannot force someone eighteen years old or older to do anything. You cannot forcibly throw them in rehab. You cannot force them to go to support meetings. You cannot force them to stop using. So for these people to tell us to "Help them." please - tell me how?

Addicts will do whatever they want whenever they want however they want. Maintaining relationships are no longer important unless that relationship is getting them what they want. One episode of Intervention on A&E the mother of an addict said "You know how to tell when an addict is lying? Their mouth is moving." And that is really the truth. Everything is a lie. Even the smallest, non-important little factoids they give you about their days are lies.

Here is one example I can remember about being lied to about something so utterly ridiculous is has been burned into my brain:

"Hi, how was your day?"
"Good. You?"
"It was ok. Did you get something to eat?"
"Yes. I had a sandwich and don't worry I washed the dish"
"Oh, ok, thank you."

Two hours later I was vacuuming and found the dish under the couch.

It's that kind of stuff that Bystanders of Addicts have to deal with. On top of that there's theft, constant lying, constant worrying and you're in a constant state of anxiety about your addict. Any little thing you do as a human being; giving them shelter, warm place to sleep, food in their stomachs, is enabling them to continue their lifestyle. Being a decent human being to an addict is enabling them. It's heart wrenching because now us Bystanders feel like if we don't give them food, shelter and a couple bucks and they die, it's our fault. Having the fear of an addict's death on your shoulders will turn you into an enabler, so all those judgey-judgers out there looking down on a family who seems to be helping their addict's addiction instead of stopping it, quit judging now. You have no idea how Addiction changes every thing about your life - when you're not an addict.

To the Celebrities telling us to help, please specify how we are supposed to help? An Addict must have the want and the need to get clean. No one can help them but themselves, it's a sad truth.

I do not have any answers or insights. I found a couple links that may be helpful, but do your own research and talk about it, addiction should be taken more seriously.

Al-Anon
ProjectKnow.com

I'd like to be an honorary member of the Rescue Rangers now.

2011-07-25T09:10:00.003-04:00

Summer 2011 has been a good summer for animals in danger, because I'm there to help them out. I've helped out two turtles, both trying to cross extremely busy roads and now I can add a bird to my list.

I'm home until Thursday since work is slow, my paycheck won't be enough to cover a bag of bird food but today made being home all week worth it. I was sitting at my desk, I had just finished up writing a review on Amazon and was catching up on the blogs I follow when I heard a loud bang, it scared the shit out of me and Somara who was lazily lounging on her cat house next to the window which was the source of the sound.

I knew what happened and the little floating feathers confirmed it, a bird flew into my window. This was the first time this has ever happened and my immediate reaction was "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" and ran downstairs, through the basement, out the back door to find the bird. I was scared that I would find a bird with a broken neck or another injury or just plain dead. [Which is why I did not grab my camera]

I found the bird, he was alive but I didn't know the extent of his injuries. In times of emergency it's funny what you think of, all the little tidbits of information you happened to read so long ago. All these little thoughts started going through my head.

1. I knew the bird was in shock. How did I know? I dunno but a long time ago I was looking through Flickr trying to find the difference between a Hairy Woodpecker and a Downy Woodpecker for my bird records I was keeping. [Stop laughing.] I came across one person who took some pictures of a baby Downy Woodpecker who was found in someone's yard possibly in shock and he described how the bird acted.

2. I watch too much Grey's Anatomy and when people come in when they're "in shock" they always cover them with blankets, I'm assuming to keep them warm.

Isn't the mind fucking amazing?

The bird was laying in the mulched bed, beak open, panting and unable to stand. I scooped him up in my hands and sat there. The bird was clearly out of it and I was worried he was paralyzed but after a few minutes he stood up in my hand and just looked around. I sat there for almost 40 minutes letting the bird come to his senses. His movements became quicker, he had both eyes open and was looking around, he managed to poop on me and then out of nowhere he just up and flew to a tree.

Damn it feels good to be a ~~gangster~~ hero.

The whole time I was wondering what kind of bird it was, I had never seen one like him before and after it looked like he was going to be ok I really wanted to grab my camera to take some pictures. I even tried to put the bird down but he wouldn't get off my hand. After he flew away I scoured the internet and found the bird, at least I'm 98% sure it's the bird.

Hermit Thrush

Turns out he wasn't a full grown bird, he was like a Teenager-Bird [pictured above]. And this is the first time I've ever seen one of these Thrushes, they only visit Western PA while migrating so it's not common to the area.

I just filled your Brain Bank so you can act in the face of a Bird Emergency.

I got the picture from the McGill Bird Observatory website. What a wonderful website, thank you!

In case you don't know what a Rescue Ranger is.

So Good I Got A Saturday Blog Out Of It [kinda]

2011-07-23T08:02:00.000-04:00

Last night I went out and saw Horrible Bosses and it was the funniest movie I've seen...ever. In fact, the last time I remember seeing a good comedy in the theatre was when Old School was out circa 2003! I haven't laughed that much at a movie, in public since 2003!

Do yourselves a favor and go see Horrible Bosses. It will be money well spent.

Friday Fun

2011-07-22T09:36:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if everyone knows what Damn You Autocorrect is - it's only the greatest thing in the world. Literally.

They posted the Top 15 DYACs of all time and I wanted to share the joy.

Here's the link.

Also, they have T-Shirts for sale!

Hatching New Ideas (not a post about chickens)

2011-07-20T09:21:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about my Business Idea, you know the healthy Pet Supplies store, the same idea I took a $60 class for? Well, I've been thinking about it and it's pretty scary. Perhaps if I took the entire class, not just the first introductory course or if we had a better teacher and not the crypt keeper, I would be more confident about it - I'm not giving up on my idea but I am knocking it down a few places in my Life Queue.

I thought maybe I should start on a smaller scale, take a smaller step into the Small Business world and maybe look at doing something online. This new idea came to me while I was cleaning, I believe I was just finishing off cleaning the toilet when the idea sprung into my head. I happened to be using Method cleaning products, one of the only commercial "green" products I use when I thought the following:

Hey self, you like to clean. In fact, cleaning is a stress reliever for you [I get that from my Dad]. I think you would like a job where all your responsibilities were to clean and get stuff shiny but you don't want to work for a maid service. How 'bout you create your own Green Cleaning Service! You could use your own cleaning supplies, book your own appointments, start locally and even do it Part-Time to see if it's worth it, and if it's not worth it, stop doing it.

I do like this idea but again, I have no idea how to get it started besides going on Craigs List and posting an ad then possibly getting killed upon arrival. So I took it down a notch (I mean look at my competition) and decided that I will try my hand at making my own Green Cleaning Supplies.

I'm a research junky so I already think I know what I'm doing, I just need to get the supplies and start the testing process. This stuff needs to work, not just be cute and green. I even thought of naming my new line Murphy's after my ~~favorite~~ newest cat, but I thought that resembled Murphy Oil Soap too much and I don't want a lawsuit from Colgate-Palmolive so I came up with a new name. It references Jango, my second cat but not by name, I love Jango, but his name is meant for Star Wars, not business. I'm not saying anything on here yet because I may still change it, I don't want people to think it's cat-cleaning supplies and I'm a fickle Aquarius and may hate it tomorrow.

I'm excited to try my new idea. No guarantees it'll work or even turn into something other than a hobby but here's hoping!

makes me laugh

2011-07-18T09:50:00.000-04:00

I'm no relationship expert but I feel I could dispense some good advice since I've been in a non-dysfunctional, all around normal relationship with the same guy for the past 8 years.

A valuable lesson [for me] is learning to let the little things go and to just laugh it off - even if it would normally bug the hell out of me. Here is fine example: I, [the vegetarian] made my man meatloaf and baked potatoes yesterday. I charged him with the responsibility of putting the food away once he was finished.

I opened the fridge this morning to start making lunch and this is what I saw.

Just some potatoes. Totally hanging out, no cover or dish.

Even looking at this picture now for the third time it's making me laugh.

Gross.

2011-07-14T07:50:00.000-04:00

I dunno what happened but I feel sick and I think I'm getting attacked by another sinus infection. Since I only pray when I want something please, please, please Lord don't let me get another sinus infection. The last one I had took me out for 4 days and the antibiotics made me feel even worse.

I've been on a good run with posting on here, seems some semi-interesting things have been occurring but if I get sick all I'll have to write about is mucus and a swollen throat, not exactly good reading material.

So anyone join Google+ yet? Right now it seems it was made for me and Eric since all we do is talk to each other on it. While we're under the same roof. Separated by walls. And that's not a joke.

Lost Toys: Found

2011-07-13T08:21:00.002-04:00

You know when someone says they're "Disappointed in you" and it's like..really really tough? I don't know when, who, or why Disappointing someone is more devastating than getting yelled at or punished but yesterday, I disappointed myself. Comprehend that circle of fuckery.

We've been in our current home for over a year and we moved in during winter when there was three feet of snow on the ground so the shit that was not immediately needed went into the garage still packed in boxes. Suffice to say we were one of those households that couldn't park a car in the garage because it was being used as an on-site storage unit. We did a minor clean out a few months ago, to my glee, because the garage was at a point where you couldn't walk into it and it was giving me anxiety just being in the house attached to that garage and we were very proud of our work. Now since we need space for at least 51 bundles of Shingles we had to clean out even more.

Boyfriend went out and bought shelves to build and they looked great, I helped by handing screws and making comments about butt cracks but I feel I was a solid support system. We got the shelves built, but then True Blood was on so we dropped everything to go watch. Then it was too late and too dark to continue so we decided that tomorrow we would start organizing and sorting the items for the shelves. That day came and it was 90+ degrees outside and way too uncomfortable to be in the garage moving about so for the sake of our relationship we pushed it back another day.

That day was yesterday. We made our way through a wall of stuff and at the bottom of the wall was a large box. A box that held a basket and in that basket were all the stuffed animals I weeded out as my favorites and wanted to keep. There were maybe about 8-10 of varying sizes. And after opening it I realized that my basket of cherished stuffed animals turned into the cherished home of rodents and insects.

I was and still am so disappointed in myself. I had no idea they were out there and they've been out there for over a year. The animals were disgusting and I was disgusted. What made me the angriest was that I left "Just a Dog" out there. A stuffed dog that I had had since I was little and named appropriately. I loved Just A Dog so much when I was little, him and Redbird [a red bird stuffed animal] were buddies I slept with. And now that I'm older I love how I named my Stuffed Animals. Not only did I let myself down by being a stupid uncaring adult, but I let Just A Dog down by letting him sit in the garage for over a year, lost forever.

Since I was so upset I decided that I would wash all the animals and I whittled my collection down further since some of them were nibbled. Their fate was either garbage can or coming apart in the washer so I took my chances with the washer. I put them on "Sanitize" a special extra-super hot option on my washing machine and watched Just A Dog and his sad brown eyes spin around. I for reals felt terrible.

1 hour and 37 minutes of sanitation later, I took them out and I tell you what, Just A Dog looked like a brand new dog, in fact I think he may have shrunk a little so he looked like Just A Puppy. The other animals were good too, no fuzzy explosions so I popped them int he dryer for a quick 20 minutes and then put them on my dresser to finish drying.

Just A Dog is upfront.

I think they're all going to be ok.

This post is brought to you by an over-active imagination with a dash of too many viewings of Toy Story.

anybody out there?

2011-07-12T10:42:00.001-04:00

Hi Everyone!

Some people I know in Real Life know that I don't have a Facebook, and it's been a conscious decision that I don't regret, except for the occasional contest that I can't enter since I don't have an account. Boo hoo.

Boyfriend has been wanting me to get on Facebook for quite sometime, but I stood my ground. I have a blog, I tweet and I have unlimited text messages, so feel free to use those outlets if you really need to talk to me with half the effort of a phone call. Facebook is to me what cliques were in high school and I find that some of the real-world adults I see everyday turn into High Schoolers once they log on. Oh god, cliques, High School? No thanks!

But then Google+ came out. So I joined. Well I [think] I was invited by Miss Smidge because all of a sudden I had it and Boyfriend didn't which resulted in a Salty Boyfriend. After all, I didn't care about social networking.

I'm on Google+ now and I'm told it's just like FB except for the Circles thing, which is really cool, but I'm just not getting this application.

Maybe I need more friends?

Do you want to be my friend on Google+?

Do you need an invite to Google+? I have some of those too.
(I believe I need your email address, so leave it in the comments or something, I can delete it later upon request)

Since we need to exchange emails in order for this shizz to work, here's mine:

alexisexplainsitall (at) gmail .com

Let's figure this out together!

Technology is Scaring Me.

2011-07-11T09:57:00.001-04:00

Wow, technology these days, eh? It blows my mind to think of how connected to everything we are, it's intimidating and exhilarating at the same time. Last night while laying in bed, in the quiet dark with a cat on my pillow and the thoughts in my my mind, I wondered to the concept of Technology - and how it's rapidly changing our lives without us realizing it.

Saturday was the inception of the Scary-Technology idea.

Exhibit A: This was us by the fire. Staring into our phones.

I am no victim because I tried like 500 times to tweet this picture but couldn't, so now I'm blogging it. Obviously this was not how we looked the entire time but as soon as there was a lull in the conversation we whipped out the phones to check Facebooks, Twitters, Messages to see who else was talking besides the people in front of us. It seems these days we always need to be doing something, gone are the times of just chillin', or maybe we've lost the ability to just chill since our pocket devices do triple-duty.

Sunday night I started to think that there are no more video rental places open - I'm talking about actual places where you go into a store, grab a movie, take it to a counter and check out. They're all gone. I pondered that if I would ever have kids I would speak about the time when I worked at a video rental place and they would ask me what the hell that was and I'd have to explain the concept. No there weren't RedBoxes back then, or NetFlix, we had to venture outside to see a movie and interact with a person in order to get it. But by the time I have kids, they'll be streaming movies directly into our brains - or hell will freeze over, take your pick.

It's so hard to imagine a world without a phone in your pocket, back then we fondly refer to it as. The memories of going outside and playing with sticks and mud or walking around with only cash in your wallet are becoming more and more fuzzy and I have to strain to think of it. While I am a full participant in technology, I have the Smartphone, the NetFlix, the HuluPlus, the Internet on everything I touch, I wish for a gigantic switch I could flick whenever I want and go off the grid and be ok with it, to have other people be ok with it. It's become the norm that it's not okay to not be able to get a hold of someone. It's normal for your Boss to text you, [which I find incredibly unprofessional and inappropriate], it's normal that you broadcast wherever you are on FourSquare [something I can't even fathom doing, can you say Please Rob Me?] and it's now normal to think of people who aren't connected as slow, strange or just plain too old.

Not gonna lie, sometimes I wish for a Time Machine to go back and visit back then to be free and simple.. and purchase some serious stocks.

:( Part II

2011-07-08T08:00:00.000-04:00

As you can see this isn't a Casey Anthony post.

I'm still pretty mad about not being allowed to have chickens. I am who I am - I'm a 28 year old adult who essentially gets what she wants (not in a spoiled brat way but in a focused, determined way) and I've been told I cannot have something. Chickens in particular. My local zoning officer explained to me that my residential building, my home that sits on almost a full acre of land is zoned as commercial and not residential. WTF sense does that make? Uh, none, actually.

Not only am I angry that I've been told I can't have something but I feel that my ability to be self-sufficient and self-reliant has been taken away. I started on this Chicken kick after I found this report online about organic eggs and all the brands I purchase who label their cartons as cage-free, free range, organic that decided not to participate in this third-party non-biased research. I'm told that there needs to be transparency when it comes to calling yourself Organic or Free Range and the fact that these name-brands wouldn't let anyone look at their facility or production kinda raised a red flag for me.

Here's the LINK

Not only that but the frightening amount of recalls on food (especially that horrific egg recall a while back) makes me want to depend less on others to feed myself. Funny, instead of fantasizing about having a huge house with all the amenities I've been fantasizing about having a farm and that being my job. I want to give animals that are only seen as food a place where they're respected and can enjoy life.

I didn't think that way when I moved here, moving here and having a large, private, wooded backyard made me start thinking that way. It's just too bad my large, wooded, private backyard can't be utilized for anything other than a clothesline, lawn chairs and a firepit. Sure I could garden, but gardening isn't really my thing, the only thing in the old owner's garden bed now is garlic. It's actually overrun with garlic. Who knew garlic was so ferocious? I dunno, maybe I'll give gardening a try but I don't think I'd enjoy it as much.

:(

2011-07-06T10:09:00.001-04:00

My dreams have been dashed. I cannot have laying hens where I live.

Turns out where I live, off of a busy street is considered all commercial property - even though I'm clearly residential. Since chickens are considered farm animals I would need at least 5 acres of land to be able to qualify for the "Hobby Farm" and be able to have chickens.

I really can't tell you how disappointed I am. The guy even told me he just made someone get rid of their 5 laying hens because of the zoning laws.

Soo anyone near me have 5 acres and want to raise some chickens? I guess it's another notch in the belt of "We shouldn't have moved here." that we've been tallying.

5 Minutes Later...

I'm getting madder and madder. My reason for wanting to have my own eggs is because I can't find anywhere around here that treats animals with respect, I want free range fucking eggs. I wanted my own eggs, my own chickens. I hate gardening but I can take care of animals so that's what I wanted to do. Man, I'm pissed.

Unscathed.

2011-07-03T07:18:00.001-04:00

Hey dudes, I wrote this post on Friday right before the clock struck twelve on my Windows Phone (shameless plug) I decided to leave it as-is.. because I just don't feel like rewriting it.

When one is faced with danger, not one extra second to think, and honorable & brave is their knee-jerk reaction, it's a satisfying feeling.

The ball got rolling on Thursday when Eric and his brother traveled to a far off land to buy fireworks that may or may not be illegal in the Keystone State, they returned from the far off land with boxes packed with boxes and the confession that between the two of them they spent an entire car payment on fireworks.

Friday evening we arrived at the designated house where we would enjoy the pyrotechnic display put on by the two brothers. In attendance was also two more adults, two children, a grandma and a puppy. Many wicks were lit, our mouths agape at the sparkly lights, menagerie of colors and loud pops. These were no sparklers.

Soon we came to the end where a grand finale was haphazardly planned - we rocked the neighborhood with bright lights, crackles, bangs and cheers. The fireworks were really freakin' cool. Worth a car payment? No. But enjoyable nonetheless.

By this time the little puppy was awake and looking for attention, we learned that the dog was a Dingo/PitBull mix that had been shipped from overseas. It was adorable and didn't care about the fireworks, she was just interested in peeing and playing with the kids.

While we were distracted by the cuteness no one computed when someone yelled out "RUN! MOVE! GO!" until there was a bright pink explosion within feet of where we were standing. At first no one knew what to do, those few seconds were spent thinking "Part of the show?" but the constant yelling to MOVE! GO! RUN! made us realize we had to start booking it. The first explosion landed to my rear and to my right which made me instinctively move up and left where another explosion, this time green with bright, smokey tentacles went off between me and another girl into the grill of the the pick up truck between us, the colors illuminated her face with surprise and confusion. I turned around to head off in another direction, I was trapped between explosions and a pickup truck so I took the only exit where a little girl was in my path. Without thinking I grabbed the little girl and took her behind the truck to where I thought she would be safe. Chaos ended as quickly as it started even though thinking back it felt like minutes instead of seconds.

A Roman Candle had fallen over and pointed itself directly at the crowd of us. No one was injured and we were all nervously laughing and telling our side of the events. I thought mine was pretty cool, after all I saved a child from imminent danger, who can say they got to do that on a Friday night?

The funniest story of all was the Grandma who saved the Puppy from being trampled. The puppy's owner said that as soon as we scattered he bent down to get the dog who was already gone. Grandma was quick as lightning and snatched the dog before she got hurt, it's funny because she was wearing white, she was on the only one anyone could see in the dark and still no one saw her do it. Grandma is snappy!

The adrenaline was pumping and Eric and his brother were apologizing for almost maiming their spectators. But I had a little secret.. that event, as wrong as it could've gone, was the most fun and excitement I've had in a while - perhaps almost getting blown up can be fun.

We were able to avoid becoming a Fourth of July statistic so please make sure you are safe this Fourth of July!

controversial thoughts from a non-controversial person.

2011-06-30T10:32:00.000-04:00

It's more than obvious that I am keeping up with the Casey Anthony trial. A couple people I know in Real Life are too and it's interesting to talk to others about the case, I'm thankful that I don't personally know any nuts like Nancy Grace and her troop of angry villagers with country accents.

I'd like to say on here that I'm Switzerland, I'm a neutral party that is interested in the outcome but I am becoming less neutral and more towards that Casey Anthony doesn't deserve to be convicted of killing her daughter. I can't tell you she's innocent but no one can tell you she's guilty either. No one knows, this includes the state of Florida.

I would hope that many Americans who look past the sensationalized head lines realize that the Prosecution doesn't have jack shit on Casey Anthony.

All we know for sure is that Caylee died and it's really awful.

It's the State's responsibility to prove guilt, to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Casey Anthony killed her daughter yet, they have no idea how the child died, when the child died, what the motive for her dying was, or how long she has even been dead. There's no proof showing Casey did anything, there's no DNA, there are no fingerprints, shoe prints, tire prints, there's nothing. In my opinion what I've learned is that the Orlando Police Department and some of the key officers in charge of the case, seriously dropped the ball and I stand by my saying they should be investigated.

Casey and her Defense Team have admitted she lied to authorities, everyone knows that, so I am assuming she will definitely be convicted of that which carries a four year sentence. However, searches for Chloroform on the family computer cannot be proven and the Computer Forensics evidence is shaky at best. The decomposing smell from her car hasn't been proven beyond a reasonable doubt that it was even decomposition in the first place.We are seeing that the Anthony family is odd and very secretive but none of that proves guilt.

I'd just like to say in my opinion that Casey Anthony shouldn't be convicted of any of the charges except for lying to police, there is no concrete proof showing that she killed her daughter. My final thought is this: If Casey Anthony is convicted and is sentenced to death, then you and I and everyone else better be on the straight and narrow because it will prove that your accuser doesn't actually need anything other than circumstance in order to convict you.

If at a later time actual proof is discovered then feel free to visit back and give me a big 'ol I Told You So. I have no problem acknowledging when I'm wrong but until there is proof beyond a reasonable doubt I stand by my opinion.

Here are some links to the case for all you couch detectives:

WFTV Orlando
Investigation Discovery
Orlando Sentinel

If anyone has any links for me, please share!

TMI & Girly Stuff Ahead

2011-06-29T19:53:00.000-04:00

Ok Mens, I warned you.

How my hair looked today has been the last straw and I am quitting Birth Control. There, I said it. I'm blaming that shit on that shit. I've been on the BC for a few years now with only minimal side effects until recently. Since May I've been having these terrible Grease-Spells concerning my hair, I would wash it, it would feel fine in the shower but 4 minutes after I was done blow drying my hair it looked like I was homeless.

I've tried every thing and every method I could think of to fix my damn hair. The only thing I could come up with was the Birth Control because I had awesome hair during the less hormone-y pill week, getting older (28!) must be causing these side-effects; It was embarrassing and I was ashamed of my hair. Today was absolutely no exception and it made me even angrier because I had to pin up and put my hair in a pony tail which only called more attention to my dome problems but nothing much was going on at work so I got to sit in my office chair and not be seen.

So Goodbye Birth Control, you've been an expensive habit that has stalled my hopes of trimming my waist, made me feel like I'm hypoglycemic and now you're making me ugly. Adios Amiga, fuck you very much.

New Job

2011-06-28T08:21:00.000-04:00

I have figured out my New Job: Turtle Rescuer.

I had the opportunity to rescue another female box turtle this morning, so exhilarating! Especially because this time I was on a two lane road and there was about two feet of shoulder to pull over on and my car was taking up half a lane. Did I mention that people speed like demons on this road?

Ironically I, myself, sped by this turtle and in a two second thought-delay I was like "Was that a turtle??" and I quickly made a crazy U-ie and zipped back to where she was - just about off the white line on the shoulder. I knew she would be done-for because a gigantic Ford truck sped by and they were so close to each other she cringed back and went into her shell.

I grabbed her and took her to her destination - across the road, tucking her far off the shoulder into the grass. It must've been in the stars that I was supposed to be there because I've been taking the highway to work each day and for an unknown reason I decided to take the scenic route.

In other job news, there have been some developments with my current position. Of course, I can't really talk about it but I will say that I am in a "Shit or get off the pot" situation; I could further myself with the company and get away from my idiot boss or I lose my full time status. All this talk is preliminary but it seems like it could happen. I don't like being forced to do anything and I feel that's what's going on, my livelihood is being threatened and I can either go forward or stop everything and be a full-time Turtle Rescuer. That position pays in good feelings and it's just too bad Good Feelings isn't an accepted form of payment for cat food.

To be continued..

Second Class

2011-06-16T07:15:00.002-04:00

Yesterday Eric and I attended the second of three classes for starting your own Small Business. The person who is teaching the class is a business owner himself and he also teaches Penn State undergrads. I don't know what that last part means or the significance, I do know that Eric isn't impressed with this guy. He's kind of older, I would say late 50s or early 60s, even though his business is technology for the handicapped he seems a little slow with this whole newfangled computer stuff.

I was very interested in the first class and I learned a lot, even though this guy is kind of out of touch so to speak, I felt he did a good job for a general introductory course. One thing Eric and I both disliked, and perhaps the whole class as well, was when the teacher goes to a Website and essentially does a mock sign-up for it. I'm assuming he thinks that this will benefit us but this, on top of being a little slow with computers, is excruciating and I am unable to pay attention.

During these periods of the class I reverted to my old High School Days of looking like I'm paying attention but am really not.

Oh hey wait, let me back up for a second; because of the large turnout of the first class, Eric and I got there a few minutes earlier than everyone else and took our seats. The teacher was in the room and during this one-on-one time he asked me/us what our business was. I [reluctantly] told him about my Pet Supplies store idea that would focus on Natural and Holistic pet food. He asked me a few questions if there was a market for it etc, some people came in and the conversation ended.

Little did I know that sharing this information I would become the example for the entire class every time he needed one; except this guy, instead of correctly saying that I would be a retailer of Cat Food, he got mixed up that I would actually be making the Cat Food myself and selling it, he also added that I would be making Cat Food Supplements.

Yep. I am now the Cat Food Lady.

Now back to the not-paying-attention. Here is a colorful example of what happens when you lose my attention:

I'd like to thank my inspiration: o_O that little internet face really makes me happy and is an example what I felt every time my homemade Cat Food was brought up.

This harmless doodling led to Eric and I trying to make each other laugh without laughing. During this time the teacher went on to Business Plan writing. So I did a rough draft of my Business Plan. I am reluctantly sharing this with you, don't steal it.

I really hope that my Cat Fud business plan gets me where I need to go in my business. I'm really looking forward to making all the Fud for your Cats.

If you're wondering where Cat Fud came from, enjoy this little nugget:

I love me some Gary Lason.

Noticeably Absent

2011-06-14T12:01:00.001-04:00

For the past.. while I've been distracted. I wrote a post about my Small Business class and the movie recommendation from my ghost but nothing of real substance. Kinda like that Palin woman. Burn! I also have like 10 unfinished drafts, all of subjects that are no longer relevant and I don't feel like updating or posting.

I've also been streaming the Casey Anthony trial and I'm addicted to watching it. I theorize that I'm curious about the case, everything about it so so freakin' strange (and circumstantial, but that's no opinion of guilt or innocence) I knew I was addicted to watching it when I took Eric to get his wisdom teeth out and I brought our dopey laptop so I can stream it while in the waiting room. I follow two people who live-tweet the proceedings but it's not enough! But I'm really into the True-Life CSI stuff that I'm seeing. I was glued to the computer during the Computer Forensics witnesses since CF was something I was considering going back to school for. Computer Crime seem to be the field to get into. (Fighting it, not participating lol)

But I really appreciate all the people who ARE posting stuff. Thanks! Perhaps I'll get some inspiration and figure out something entertaining to write on here.

two blogs in one; Class & Creepy

2011-06-09T07:50:00.000-04:00

Hey look! I have stuff going on in my life which gives me something to post about. The first half of the post will be about the Small Business Class I take. The second post will be something creepy.

Class

Eric and I are signed up for this Small Business Class, it's three Wednesdays in June and it's an introductory course. When I called and signed up in May the lady I spoke to said that I was #5 and there had to be a minimum of 6 students in the class with a max of 15. Eric signed up too so we figured the class would be small but it turned out to be 18 people with a wait list! There were only four or five guys in the class, the rest were women.

We arrived and found our seats. This seemingly nice woman who sat in the front row and had an accent immediately did this:

She will be forever known to me as "Shoes-Off McGee" I mean, who takes their shoes off? Given, she was wearing sandals but still. I am very curious, is this accepted in her culture to sit down and take your shoes off? At least her feet weren't mangled and smelly. Shoes off to her.

The class chugged along and my takeaway from the first session was this: To be in Business you need an Accountant, Lawyer and you are saddled with three tons of taxes. I also learned that in the state of Nevada there is no Income Tax or Sales Tax - lets move there! Nevada! Fuck Yeah! Should be their slogan. Lastly, being a "Sole Proprietorship" is not good. Too many risks and grants, loans etc are not available to you or incredibly difficult to attain.

Then we had a break, Eric and I wandered down to the vending machines and as Eric was fighting to get the machine to take his dollar I noticed this:

I spy with my little eye something... missing!

Having a heart attack? Here! This handy instructional guide will surely help you out.

We went back to class, Eric was soda-less because turns out the machine was totally sold out which is why it wouldn't take his perfectly straight dollar bill. With 20 minutes left in the class the teacher kind of went off-track into the Unhelpful Category. He showed us a website (mycorp.com) and proceeded to tell us about it and even did a mock sign up by entering false info. We really didn't need that, most if not all the people in the class were 45 or under and could probably navigate the website. All in all I think this class will be helpful to me and I'm glad I decided to take it. I am also glad we weren't required or asked to share our Business Ideas, I have a thing about sharing my ideas for fear of them being stolen. I did find out that one lady wants to start a farm, I should make friends with her so she can teach me about chickens!

Creepy

This morning started off like every other morning. I did my normal routine, the only thing I forgot to do is plug in the heater in the bathroom while I showered. Even though it's summer and we have the A/C on, I use a small ceramic heater because it dissipates the steam since our 1950s bathroom doesn't have a fan in it and can stay swampy all day.

I get out of the shower, the bathroom is steamy so I open the window instead and continue on with my morning. It's not until I go back in the bathroom to brush my teeth do I notice the following in the mirror:

I know it's difficult to see but there is writing on the mirror.

From different angles in the bathroom I was able to decipher the message:

"I know what you did last summer"

Ok.. WTF?

That's not a big deal except this: I am 28 years old and have outgrown writing in steam, I believe the last time I did this was at 19 when I was trying to scare my roommate.

Perhaps Eric was having a little fun and being stupid. That can't be the case because the handwriting does not belong to him. Eric being a Graphic Designer and him designing his own text at times, has distinguishable hand writing. This writing is certainly not mine, I don't dot my i's and my a's look like this this: a. And oh yeah, I didn't write it.

I thought of recent guests and ruled them out. One could be plausible but if he did it he may not be coming back in my house. Freak.

Of course, the last option is where my mind immediately went. The Ghost. But why write I Know What You Did Last Summer? Movie suggestion? I certainly did not run over any fishermen with my car. But the movie suggestion could work because now I want to watch it.

Very strange.

Monday, Monday.

2011-06-06T12:59:00.000-04:00

Let's try a fresh start on this blog shall we?

I've been a bit distracted recently, perhaps because things are pretty boring right now, but I've begun to stir up some stuff at home when I came to the conclusion that the Roof Re-Do we have to accomplish will probably take up all of our House Money. This is both disappointing and scary, but it gave me some inspiration.

Since we won't have an adequate amount of money to start tackling the kitchen and our gross Lucci Kitchen Cabinets from the 1950's, I've decided to paint them and do some minor things to the kitchen in general to satisfy the need to renovate it. Eric doesn't think I should bother especially because he wants to tear the cabinets out, I do too, but we're not going to be able to tear them out without having replacements and the replacements aren't free so you see where I'm taking this..

Another surprising discovery was when I started talking to Eric about the cabinet colors he said White after I showed him a green color. White. White! White took me by surprise because here is a picture of the kitchen we want from IKEA

Clearly, it's not white. (Ok, some white, but it's the red that gets noticed)

So I scoured the internet and googled "Painting kitchen cabinets white" to get inspiration for the whole room and I found this blog called House Tweaking and I am in love with this blog. The couple re-did their kitchen cabinets in white and it came out really good. Ours won't look half as nice since our cabinets have zero detailing, essentially it's a plank of stained solid wood. But one can dream.

Depending on when I get started I'll be posting updates. We haven't started the roof yet and that project takes precedence. We were recently let down by Lowes on the pricing of our Dream Shingles. They lowered the price on the shingles we were looking at but we didn't have a safe, dry place to store the shingles until the weather went more Springy so we asked an employee how long the pricing was good for and he said forever, which of course was not correct and the price has since gone up and now we don't want their shingles. Usually Lowes employees are not so uneducated but of course Eric and I picked the least helpful one to get our information so it must've been in the stars. We're looking at other outlets to get our Shingles which is slowing down the process.

Anyway, check out House Tweaking it's great!

Whoopsies

2011-06-01T12:00:00.001-04:00

So yesterday I posted about my Memorial Day weekend. I use the term posted loosely because I didn't actually publish it, I just wrote it and hit save and forgot to hit post.

Now it's Wednesday and totally irrelevant. It's ok though, it wasn't that special. Two things jump out from the weekend. One; I went to a friend's FIRE and I stayed up SUPER DUPER LATE. I stayed up so late that I was in a fog on Memorial Day and did nothing but sit on my couch in the air conditioning, which is totally acceptable when it's 93 degrees outside. 93! We're in Pennsylvania! Not Florida! WTF.! But I had so much fun that it was worth it. The second thing that I remember most about the weekend was Eric hitting me in the face with a hose. My reaction was that I calmly told him to go back into the house and leave me alone. It was purely accidental but I could tell he was trying really really hard not to laugh and I was trying really really hard not to wrap the hose around his neck. I finished washing my car without anymore hose-to-face incidents.

I haven't read much about everyone else's Memorial Day, maybe I'm not the only one who laid low?

I'm Still Here, a Post-Rapture Post.

2011-05-23T10:33:00.002-04:00

I'm not going to lie, but I kind of got a kick out of pretending the world was going to end on Saturday. My cats got treated like kings & a queen, they got their favorite food and I didn't clip their nails just in case they needed them for survival - I wasn't sure what I was allowed to take when I was all Raptured. I ate cookies and I didn't work out. I was even super-honest: I went to pick up my contact lenses on Rapture-Day and they didn't charge me for them and I actually pointed it out. By not pointing it out I could've saved $148 dollars but I wanted to score points for the Rapture because I found something out:

I am not Baptized.

I found that out on Pre-Rapture Friday, when I was talking to my Mom and it turns out neither are my siblings. But my parents are Baptized, so have fun in Heaven guys, your kids will be down in Hell because of you. Thanks Mom.

Then Saturday Rapture Time came and went with nothing.

I'm kind of glad the Rapture didn't happen because at Rapture Time Eric and I weren't really speaking after a tiff about the Fire Pit.

I had to work on Sunday and on my way to work I was able to do a good deed, something I am very proud of. I saved a Box Turtle. There I was driving, minding my own business when I see this Turtle-like object a mere four feet from the highway. Luckily it was 8am on Sunday so there was little traffic, probably too many Post Rapture hangovers to be up that early and I quickly pulled over, jumped out of my passenger side door and ran to the Turtle.

I probably looked like some sort of crazy person running on the side of a highway in a suit, but I am that committed.

I approached the turtle, she was so pretty! She hissed and went into her shell and I picked her up, walked her away from the road into the extremely tall grass and put her down in the grass. I made sure she was in the grass so she could make a tunnel to safety and I walked away. I may have said something like stay away from the road, but I won't confirm that.

I was so thrilled and it made my day for about two seconds, because after that I was worried that she would just turn around and try again but this time no one would stop and she would get hit and I didn't actually save her, I made it more unsafe since she had to start all over and by the time she got to the road again it would be busy-time. A small example of my frantic thought processes.

On my way home I craned my neck as far as possible to look over three lanes of traffic and luckily I did not see a smushed turtle. I even went the same way this morning to work [I absolutely hate taking the highway to work so I almost never do] and there was no turtle. No Turtle!

I wish I would've gotten a picture but alas, I was on the side of a highway in a suit, rescuing a turtle.

If this weekend's events don't get me Raptured next time around then I don't know what will.

Posting - FML

2011-05-19T08:42:00.000-04:00

Seriously I am having major issues trying to compose a new post for this blog.

I just wrote an entire expose about how my hair has been greasy.

WTF Alexis. Get a life.

Truth be told, I am emotionally drained and I don't have anything fun, lighthearted or interesting to post about besides my greasy hair and if I'm posting about greasy hair I think I need to rethink my life.

And I've been playing the shit out of Lego Star Wars III.

Endorsement

2011-05-14T06:22:00.000-04:00

Hi, I'd like to endorse this second blog "Alexis' Photo Blog" because I am super impressed with the pictures this Alexis person takes.

Ok. It's my other blog, solely for posting photos and the goal was never to mix these two but I'm proud of my pictures, so I need your approval.

Move your eyeballs to HERE.

Jealous Much?

2011-05-11T11:00:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I have a problem with the green-eyed monster, that's jealousy right? Not something different or gross?

Jealousy catches me by surprise sometimes and it showed up unexpectedly when I was talking to my Dad last night. He was telling me about my Sister's new plan to sell homemade things with two friends, traveling in a bus together. Details were a bit fuzzy and still up in the air but that was basically it. He praised her because she has incredible art talent and said that he really thinks she could make something out of it and eventually move into an actual storefront. That part is not what I'm jealous about, I mean I wasn't born with an artistic bone in my body, but I told my Dad about my own business idea about opening up a (natural) Pet Supplies store, something we talked about before but I didn't get much support on and when I mentioned it again and how I didn't want to put our house up for collateral and then lose it if the business fails my Dad says:

"Well, you've always been conservative."

Oh good lord, shoot me. Shoot me now.

The conversation was ended shortly after and I turned off the TV and stewed in my own conservativeness. I was jealous that my Sister gets support for her half-baked Bus idea but I don't get support for a valid need in the ~~ghetto~~ community I live in. I am also jealous of my Sister because she gets to be a free-spirit and I don't. She gets to want to travel around in a bus with no worries yet I can't take a vacation because of all of my responsibilities. It seems I was born to be an adult.

But - not one to wallow I've decided to take a three week Small Business Course to finally put an end to my internal debate of Should I? or Shouldn't I? Eric may even join me and the two of us together could really do something with ourselves. I think my Pet Supplies store is genius, the problem is I'm always waiting for another one to pop up, I can't possibly be the only one who sees the need.

Eff you jealousy!

So, anyone want to invest in a Pet Supplies store?

Possible Spoiler?

2011-05-10T09:38:00.002-04:00

I was trolling C's List and I happen to spot an add for an agency searching for Maggie Gyllenhaal's Stand-In for May - July.

That just so happens to be when The Dark Knight Rises is filming in Pittsburgh.

If you didn't know this, they blew her up in The Dark Knight.

Flashback or Spoiler?

Discuss.

Being Happy vs. Having Money

2011-05-05T09:26:00.000-04:00

What is your stance on Being Happy vs. Having Money? I always took the Having Money over Being Happy because I have commitments. I have bills to pay, I have cats to feed - I am a responsible person and when I am on top of my responsibilities I am happy. Recently though with my new "Boss" aka Windbag McGee, I have to say that I am contemplating Being Happy over Having Money. It's not only him, although he's a huge piece of the pie, it's the building and people I see daily, I don't like them either.

I've essentially reached the point where I am like "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

Money has always been important to me and I think I'm starting to learn that the saying Money Can't Buy Happiness is true. Who would have thought? My problem is, I have a job that pays me a very decent hourly wage but the stress associated with the job - my boss, the people, the lack of caring about what I do, is getting to me. I could care less about the people I talk to, the work I do for people, I have zero passion for the Hospitality Industry and I'm questioning my reasons for sticking around; Money and the lack of something better, those are my only two reasons - that's it.

I know I'll never find a job that pays close to what I make vs. the work I do, but I don't think I care anymore. I already know I don't want my current company to be my career, it's totally lame and thankless and the stress that comes with the job is no longer worth the payout.

At 28, someone with money problems, cats, birds and a ho-hum life, I think I'm ready to start throwing shit into the wind (not literally, ew.) and find something else. Anything else that will stop making me have flashes of rage and make my pits sweat when the phone rings.

Amazon is a Scary Place

2011-04-27T10:14:00.000-04:00

When I'm bored I frequently visit Amazon.com and update my Wish List items. Hey, it's a wish list for a reason! Lately there has been some animal-vandalism in my backyard. A small feeder with a screw on lid has been unscrewed and the contents emptied, the suet feeder I have has been wrapped around the clothesline and devoured and the corn I put out is completely gone.

The feeder that was emptied is puzzling since the top needs to be twisted on and off, something that requires a grip and thumbs, so I checked out the choices of Wildlife Cameras on Amazon. What's really cool about these cameras is, well, everything, but the customers have posted pictures that the camera has taken. I really liked browsing these pictures, until I saw this:

WTF is that?!

First off, I realize that this is probably a joke, but seriously, WTF IS THAT?!

The caption said "Man these cameras capture everything!"

If I snapped a picture of that human/sloth/zombie hybrid I would a) be dead from being scared to death and b) I would move.

I'm walking a thin line, but I still want one of those cameras.

Here's the Link

Doing the Math

2011-04-21T10:21:00.001-04:00

I only do The Math when I want to try and expose a retailer's nasty hidden price-agenda. One memorable time I did The Math was when I was in PetCo after Christmas and grabbed a package of 3 Christmas light cat toys for $.99 cents. While I was waiting in line at the register I saw a bucket filled with the same Christmas light toys except these toys were $.30 each and did not come in a package. So I put the $.99 cent package back and bought 3 toys for $.90 cents. I felt triumphant and smart.

With all the saving and scrounging these days, I decided to treat myself to some Sephora items. I really want to wear more SPF and I want it mixed in with my makeup because I despise SPF and I wanted a new scent and I found that new scent in Kat Von D's "Adora". I really enjoyed it in store but didn't buy thinking I could find a better deal on-line.

I didn't, but I was sent an email with 15% off for Sephora so I used it. This particular scent is really expensive and because I was only treating myself and not splurging, I opted for the rollerball delivery system instead of the spray. After ordering the perfume and makeup, the cost was still on my mind. I have insane buyer's remorse when it comes to buying stuff for myself when I could be spending it on Cat Food or bills, so I did The Math. Because of the ounces I purchased for the price, Kat Von D's Adora scent costs a whopping $54.54 an ounce! If I would've gotten the bottle I would've paid $32 an ounce.

That price is per ounce.

Kat Von D are you nuts?

I was going to drive my point home by posting a picture of an ounce - I googled "Picture of an Ounce" and I got a bunch of weed pictures.

On my work computer.

Gluten Free

2011-04-20T09:48:00.000-04:00

Since Eric's "Mystery Illness" (I should start a separate blog just to write about it, send name suggestions) we have come to our wits end trying to figure out a cause because the American Healthcare System has failed us.

___________________________________________

Sidebar: The straw that broke the camel's back was when Eric was referred to this "gastro specialist" by one of those Clinics. He was an Indian man who's last name sounded like Jihad. You know, that religion. That perhaps should've been indicator #1 that we should've turned around and walked away. When we arrived at the office we didn't wait long and was taken back to a room. Upon entering, indicator #2, a giant red flag waving in my face went up as soon as I saw what was in this room.

This is furniture from the 1950s. Not a kitschy, stylish office, this is actual doctor's equipment from that time period. The patient table which is not pictured was from the 1950s as well. In fact, if Eric had to lay down on said table, 3/4 of his body would not have fit. I was appalled but I kept my mouth shut.

So this Jihad guy walked in and within 1 second of seeing and hearing him I knew coming here was a mistake. Within a single second I knew this guy was a joke and had no time for us. He had no bedside manner, was abrupt, short with Eric and the only exam he did was listen to his heart.

Then on top of the rudeness and hand flailing, his phone rang during the consultation and he actually excused himself and took the call then was gone for 10 minutes.

Yes, that happened.

During the doctor's absence I felt so bad for Eric, I knew he was looking forward to this appointment. I knew he was hoping that this guy would help him somehow. Give him an answer no one else could after all he was a "specialist".

The "specialist" came back in and gave a non-apology and then wrote Eric two scripts. One for some random medicine and the second for some blood work. I asked the Doctor what the side effects on the medicine were and he replied with "Every medicine has side effects" and that was it.

Wow, talking about this is getting my blood boiling.

On the way out the doctor handed us our file to hand to the nurse and we were gone. Yeah. I'm pretty sure we will never ever go there again and I plan on writing a review somewhere on the internet.

Sidebar Done

___________________________________________

In light of that experience I came to the conclusion that there is no one to help us and we are officially on our own. A day after the "specialist" I read an article on CNN that resembled Eric's problems and how the lady decided to go Gluten Free even though she was not diagnosed with having Celiac Disease and eliminating Gluten worked for her. This was our inspiration.

Being newbies to the GF world has been overwhelming. We specifically went to Market District, the largest grocery store in South-Western PA to look into GF foods. They had an OK selection. I thought it would be bigger but they had a nice selection of freezer items and since Eric and I are both slaves to convenience and Eric doesn't cook - to make Grilled Cheese Eric uses the toaster and the microwave - the freezer section really saved us.

Eric is also a snacker and we found out that Utz's chips are GF which was a saving grace. Eric was getting very aggravated at the shopping experience and that it was taking so long to find items to put in the cart since we had to read and re-read every label. The trip took even longer since Market District has no WiFi and I believe they block cell signal so we had to keep stepping outside to Google our GF questions on our phones.

I also bought Bob's Red Mill Brownie Mix and Betty Crocker GF cookie mix. The Brownie Mix came out really good. The dough tasted bitter and we thought it was going to turn out bad but after cooking everything came out great. I think we like these brownies better than regular brownies. They're still moist 3 days later.

The hardest adjustment to trying Gluten Free is the bread. We bought two different kind of loaves, the first loaf has been received poorly. Eric said it's like cardboard.

Eric is in Day 3 of Gluten Free and there has been no change. I'm hoping we see something by Sunday. Fingers crossed.

New Phone

2011-04-15T08:00:00.002-04:00

Guess what peeps? I got me a new phone. My brother was gracious enough to sell me his just-about-brand-new Windows Phone for a song, so cheap in fact that I told him I would give him more money. I hope to give him more money, after all I saw my boyfriend's credit card bill yesterday [by accident whilst cleaning] and I think I'm going to have to sell one of his kidneys on the black market and then put him on an allowance. It's funny, a grown man on an allowance, so funny I want to cry.

I'm posting because I'm sorta-kinda eating crow right now. Not that I would ever eat crow because I'm a vegetarian, animal lover and crows are so cool, but because I discovered that I have been wrong about something and I'm one to admit when I'm wrong. I'm publicly admitting that I was wrong [one time] about something:

The "I lost your number when I got a new phone" excuse is for reals.

I posted about how that excuse was so fucking fake, I was convinced people used it when they deemed you not good enough to take up a slot in their phone anymore or that you were such an old and crusty friend that there was no point in keeping up the charade.

The excuse is real and it happened to me. When I inserted my SIM Card into my shiny new phone, I noticed that people who I deleted popped back up and people who were originally there disappeared. Turns out, I didn't keep up with my SIM Card when I made edits so everyone reverted to my last SIM Save.

I'm just putting it out there guys that if I answer with a questioning Hello? when you call, it's because I lost your number when I got a new phone.

Now here's a picture of a Red Squirrel.

phone call fail.

2011-04-13T10:40:00.000-04:00

I had a strange experience yesterday and it was so strange that I have to write about it, although a day later it just seems like a weird mistake. But it's still weird.

I was working in another building with Windbag (a pet name for my boss) when the phone rang. I was on his computer but didn't answer it since I was looking up business-stuff and he was just standing there being all windy. He answered the phone and did some douchebaggery stuff which prompted me to walk away and check the voicemail on my office phone which was located at another building 20+ miles away.

There was a message. God, how annoying.

I didn't have a pen handy since I wasn't expecting any messages so I repeated the number to myself to call it back. I said "Jessica S" followed by her phone number until I got back to a usable phone.

I dialed the number I repeated to myself and here is the conversation:

Obviously frail old man: Hello?

Me thinking shit, this is the wrong number, but saying: Hi, I am returning a call I received from Jessica, is she available?

Old Man: Uh.. she's not here right now. Who is this?

Me: I'm Alexis from _______ she inquired about some pricing from ______ for ________
(the blanks aren't important)

Old Man: Oh. Well I don't know why she would give you this number.

Me: It was on the voicemail she left me.

Old Man: Are you sure you have the right Jessica?

Me: I believe the last name started with an S?

Old Man: Yes, Stewart. See, I don't know why she left this number. I live in Pittsburgh but she lives aaaalll the way in New York.

Me: Oh... Ok.... well..... I will check the voicemail again. Thank you.

I was so confused.

I go back and check the voicemail.

And I find out that the Jessica on my voicemail, her number ended in 53 not 93 like I dialed and her last name didn't even start with an S, it started with an I.

Totally weird how everything lined up for me to fail at a phone call.

short posts

2011-04-06T08:47:00.001-04:00

yesterday morning I was jarred awake by Murphy knocking over my ridiculously expensive Nikon camera, the same camera I've been trying to convince Eric to take back since it was an out-of-our-budget gift, off the dresser on to the hardwood floor. nothing looks to be damaged, but the lens I most often use, the expensive lens, may be having problems. it could be user error, I don't know. fucking cats.

I am feeling better after not taking my antibiotics for 24 hours. fuck you antibiotics. My mother thinks I'm getting the side effects because I'm getting old(er). I never had reactions to antibiotics before, except for when we found out I was allergic to penicillin on my birthday and I got hives all over my body and my mom thought it was a good idea to dress me up in a pink polka-dot outfit to match my hives of course.

I am on an Alexis Diet. One that I made up all by myself. I can't have treats. That's it. Oh and I have to workout more. But I'm more focused on the No-Treats deal. I am on day three of no treats of any kind. That's quite an accomplishment for me. I call it an Alexis Diet because it sounds retarded: No Treats but I can have 1 Pepsi Throwback, I can eat my Luna Bars that have chocolate on them, I can have the 90 Calorie Fiber One Bars (for fiber, duh.) just no treats. I am very proud of myself because the day of starting my No Treat Alexis Diet, my boyfriend, who is the best boyfriend ever, came home with a five pack of Cadbury Cream Eggs. And I haven't touched them. To keep myself inspired to continue the No Treat Alexis Diet, I've been making a big deal in my planner. If Dateline ever gets a hold of my planner after I die, I'm going to look like a lunatic.

I haven't had coffee in a week.

I need a job that I care about. I don't care about my current job. I don't care about the spoiled, entitled, idiots I meet and have to work with day to day. I just don't. I need to either get my Tax ID so I can start my own Pet Supplies business like I want to soo bad, or I need to go to school and find something I care about. Both options are daunting and scary.

Update:
I just found out the third installment of Christopher Nolan's Batman series is going to be shooting in Pittsburgh. So I am signing up with the casting agency that got me in as Ellen Page's stand-in for Smart People. Maybe this is a sign I can quit.

Eric and I starting to get serious about doing shit to our house. I think it's because we visited a cousin of his who a year before us bought their house that was built in the 60's and they have the whole damn house almost redone. We felt like slackers.

I'm not well enough to weave these stories into one nice long chapter, enjoy my short streams of consciousness.

i'm alive. yay.

2011-04-05T08:53:00.000-04:00

I'm still alive.

I got to experience my first sinus infection ever in my life and it was awful. I never knew that's what sinus infections were like.

The antibiotics that were given to me made me feel worse. I was a walking Side Effects label. New antibiotics were dispensed and those made me feel better, but still crappy and I refuse to take the last three. Fuck you antibiotics.

I am angry at the healthcare system and my doctor, the cost of my pills came to $117.

Fuck you health care system.

i'm all sick -n- stuff

2011-03-29T08:50:00.000-04:00

Somehow I got sick, I don't know how, I have some suspicions but I got something and I don't know what it is. I can't even be positive that I'm actually sick-sick because rarely am I ever sick but I feel like crap.

I probably got sick from a couple of germ buckets known as children. Why do people want kids? On the rare occasion that I've gotten sick it's because of little sick children. Feeling like this has added another line to the Why I Will Probably Never Have Kids list.

Kids are Gross.

hey kids, emergency kits are fun!

2011-03-21T11:20:00.001-04:00

Ever since I started ~~freaking out~~ putting together emergency kits in my mind because the only thing I'm prepared for is a heavy drizzle, it made me remember stuff from when I was a child. I used to have apocalypse-survivor fantasies. At the time I didn't think about the "apocalypse" but I did think about cooking food over an open flame, living in a tent, only having the bare essentials that could fit in a red checkered tablecloth attached to a stick and being the only one left.

I remember testing myself by trying to light dry leaves and sticks on fire with a magnifying glass to prove I could start a fire on my own but despite the hot Florida sun, I never got that flame. I will even admit that I tried to "bake bread" one time with Flour and Water over a fire I secretly set under our wooden deck. I've since smartened up.

Now I'm having a blast inundating my Amazon Wish List with all kinds of gadgets and tools for surviving emergency situations. The first purchase I've made for our TBD Emergency Kits is Strike Anywhere Matches. Holy shit are those fun, they strike anywhere! To insure that my matches stay Strike Anywhere, I'll be waterproofing them and I learned that process in Day Camp when a full day was devoted to making a survival kit that could fit in a tube no bigger than a roll of quarters. You dip the tip of the match in wax, you can get more extreme and just put the entire match in the wax and waterproof the whole damn thing. That day in camp we also watched a video about being stuck in the desert and the importance of hats, the survival stuff and archery were my fondest day-camp memories.

There is one person not having fun with all the Emergency Kit talk, and that's my boyfriend, someone who I will have to depend on in case of an emergency. In fact, he has requested that I stop talking to him about all emergency-kit related topics because it's freaking him out. I love him a lot but freaking out isn't going to cut it in my Emergency Survival Alliance.

i'm not freaking out, i swear

2011-03-15T09:25:00.000-04:00

Since the disaster in Japan happened, it has reminded me that I don't have any sort of emergency plan or supplies in place in case of a disaster.

Listen, I am a rational young lady and I realize that my house will not be destroyed by an earthquake or a tsunami. Flooding? Maybe. Nuclear Meltdown? Maybe, I live within 12 miles of two active reactors, aka power stations. No one gives living within 25 miles of a reactor a thought until something bad happens.

But I swear, I'm not freaking out. What I think I'm doing is freaking out the people around me. I've already solicited people I know asking if they have emergency plans in place, my reason being, I'd like to get in on that. Where I live is no Japan, there will be no orderly lines waiting for food, there will be looting, fires, pillaging to the fullest extent. I don't plan on giving anyone the benefit of the doubt if a disaster should strike so I'm trying to secure my alliances now.

Obviously there will be a Zombie Apocalypse clause in my alliances, should you become a zombie, you are automatically out of the alliance and forfeit all supplies to the remaining members of said alliance.

In all seriousness (if that's possible) I am gathering lists to start stocking up on Emergency Supplies. CostCo is a great place to get scared and stocked up all at the same time.

I also visited NukePills.com (seriously!) and looked into their Emergency Kits for nuclear-type emergencies and guess what? They're sold out and that actually kinda made me feel better.

I have one question regarding the future-emergency kits I'm going to have. Where the eff do I keep them? FEMA suggests somewhere easily accessible. So like my kitchen counter? There are so many questions with where to keep that stuff. I'd put it in my basement, but what if there's a flood? I'd put it in my converted attic, but what if there's a fire? Do I dig a hole or something? Eric and I both have that gene that if we don't immediately see something we forget about it. It explains the surplus of kitchen utensils and yelling God dammit! when we go through boxes and find things we bought three times.

Here are some links for info regarding Emergencies and Emergency Kits.

FEMA
Red Cross
NukePills.com
CostCo.com

Japan.

2011-03-14T10:56:00.000-04:00

Seeing, hearing and watching everything going on Japan makes my shit seem so small. While I don't like Japan because of animal issues and my personal beliefs, I must remember that they are people and in a lot of areas people who don't have anything anymore.

I know we have a gaggle of celebrities tweeting at us to donate to the Red Cross but in truth, Japan has only asked for limited help so while the money may go to Japan, all the $10 donations via cellphone texts are going to the Red Cross. Here's a link to a smart Gizmodo article, if and when I donate to Japan I will donate directly to their Red Cross via Google. Here's a link to that.

Everyone has their own problems, I know, Eric and I are not under any shortage of problems most glaringly financial, but if I can find $10 bucks to help an organization then I'll find it and give it.

A Friendly FYI from a Peeved Consumer:

2011-03-09T09:40:00.002-05:00

Since the economy is in the dumps, jobs are being lost and prices on everything are going up, people are more focused on their money. I know I am. I border on obsessed when I look at my accounts, I'm constantly analyzing and questioning myself if I really needed those groceries in order to have food for the week. Being demoted and not being able to balance out my spending with a smaller paycheck has really exasperated my own money situation, so I Googled Personal Finance and found some things, including a personal finance site called MoneyStrands.

Back in December I signed up for MoneyStrands, I should actually say I updated my info for MoneyStrands because it turns out I was already a member since I once signed up for a website called Expensr which I forgot about. I guess Expensr was bought out or absorbed or changed names so I just had to update my info. I was in love with MoneyStrands, the pie charts, the analyzing, MS did it all for me! That's how I discovered I was spending upwards of $200 a month on my cats and Eric spending crazy amounts on Video Games and Phone purchases, we have both reeled ourselves in from such spending.

I was only a re-member of MoneyStrands for about a month until it was announced that starting on a certain day, MS was moving to a pay platform and the previously free stuff was going to start costing. I admit, I was really pissed off. What stuck in my craw was when they said they were charging to better serve their customers. Sorry companies, but that's a load of shit. So I took a break from logging into MoneyStrands every few hours (seriously) and just looked at my accounts through my bank.

I logged back in to MS on Feb 1st and was forced to choose the trial membership or the free account. If I chose the free account all my account info would be deleted and I would have to manually enter each transaction from then on. If I chose the free 30 day Trial Membership, everything would stay the same except I had to enter my CC info and would be alerted 7 Days before my trial was up and then be charged $29.99. So I entered my CC and said I would just delete my trial if I found out I didn't think it was worth it.

This is where MoneyStrands' customer service is called into question. On their website if you have any type of question you are instructed to contact feedback@moneystrands.com, that's it. They don't differentiate departments for different questions.

When I signed up for the Trial, there was a snippet saying that people who were already joined up with MoneyStrands before the pay platform would get a 30% discount on their first year membership. That means $20.99. I don't know about you, but discounts excite me and $20 for a year seemed worth it to me, which was another reason I signed up for the free trial. So on February 1st, I signed up and got an email with my info and when the trial would expire. I noticed I was not given the 30% discount, so I emailed the address provided to ask if I would get the discount since I was already a member.

I emailed MS three separate times over the course of February and didn't get a single response. I didn't even get an automated response acknowledging that they got my emails.

On February 23rd I got the notice saying my trial would expire in 7 days. By that time I had grown bored of MoneyStrands and was no longer obsessed or in love with it.

On February 28th I cancelled my Trial Membership myself and converted to the free account. I thought I could always sign back up if I wanted to but for now I didn't want a $30 charge on my credit card since I was working really hard to pay down my CC debt.

On March 3rd-4th I was charged for my "Free" MoneyStrands account and was really mad.

Instead of going straight to MoneyStrands explaining the situation, I referenced my failed attempts at getting someone from MS on the horn and went straight to my credit card company to dispute the charge. The Dispute CSR was so nice and helpful, I explained the situation, she took notes. I asked if MS would try and re-bill my account once they see I disputed and she said she would put a block on them so they wouldn't be able to. I also asked her if I should delete my MS account entirely because once you put in your CC Info, you cannot remove it and she said it wouldn't hurt to delete the account.

As back up, before I deleted my account I took a screen shot showing proof that I did in fact have a Free Account. Then I deleted my Account and took a screen shot of the deleted page.

Ironically, after deleting my MS account I immediately received a canned email from MS saying sorry to see me go and to email them back at their generic feedback email address.

I did, and I did so with a nasty tone. I wrote that I disputed the charge with the CC Company and provided the dates of my membership and cancellation and also included that if they wanted proof then I had an email trail as backup. (MoneyStrands did not provide me with a trial-cancellation email but they did provide me with a Free Account email upon my cancellation which was the same as the cancellation date)

Even more ironic, after sending that email, within 5 minutes someone from MoneyStrands emailed me back and said the mistake was on their end and that they would credit my account.

There is my MoneyStrands story. Sure their software is amazing and it kind of does make personal finance fun, but I can't recommend them based on my experience. It doesn't make sense to me that a personal finance website would be so out of tune with money. Offering a discount but not giving it, then charging my card after I cancelled the trial membership, and zero customer service until you cancel or get mean? No thanks.

If you want to do business with MoneyStrands or already doing so make sure you save all emails, no matter how dumb they are and use a Credit Card, not a debit card for your membership. I used my Credit Card as backup in case something happened, and if you use a debit card and you get mis-charged or the info is stolen, you have zero disputing rights. Turns out using my credit card saved me a huge headache.

I wrote this post to share my experience. I was wrongly charged and the situation is currently being taken care of by MoneyStrands. Thank you for being responsive but the saying "Too little too late" comes to mind.

now i never have to go into the city ever again.

2011-03-06T07:56:00.003-05:00

My sociality for the year is officially complete:

Unless either of these two acts return to Pittsburgh within the 2011 calendar year, I really have no reason to ever step foot or drive or be driven into the city ever again. I hate Pittsburgh. It's the most retarded city you'll ever visit, packed with one-way streets, bus lanes, no left turns, do not enters, frankly it needs blown up and rebuilt. I'm going to be nice right here and say evacuate the city first, but there are some people I wouldn't mind never hearing from again. I drove 60 miles a day for work in Pittsburgh for 2+ years and I tell you what, I never ventured more than 6 blocks away because I would get lost. Not joking. I worked at a hotel that was a big building, so as long as I could see it, I was good, as soon as I lost sight, I was fucked.

And, that's my Pittsburgh rant.

Here are some observations about Daniel Tosh you can only see at a Live show:

One noticeable thing is that he walked on stage like he hurt is back, super stiff and when his right hand wasn't in his pocket he held it at a weird angle.
His opener, Todd Glass, was hilarious. We appreciate being called "Too good for you"
Tosh is just as offensive and funny in real life.
Someone brought three children to his show, the youngest was 12, and they had better seats than us.
He has a way of making tragic news stories hilarious.
I think he hates women.
I think he hates his sister but that closing joke was hilarious.
He loves him mom.
He may be a conservative.
He said his show is just him and his friends and it's cheap to make. Think of cheap and it's cheaper than that.
He knew that guy who was a producer on Survivor that killed his wife in Mexico. Made jokes. We laughed.
They don't do any research on the show when it comes to the online clips, so if you think that guy died, he probably did.
He's seen just about everything there is on-line and I'm glad I have him as a buffer to the sick shit. Some things he talked about were appalling.
The show coming up this Tuesday is the 50th Episode and he said they're all going to hell. Be warned.

He played at the Benedum Center in Pittsburgh and here are a couple thingys if you are going there.

It's really pretty inside.
If your stomach gets queasy at heights or you're a full blown acrophobic, do not purchase seats in any Tiers. Good lord we were high up and on a steep angle.
The seats are small and tight together. At 5ft, I was fine, but fat people or tall people, you're going to have problems.
It seems they only hire retirees there. Can that be discrimination?
If you want a drink at your seat you have to buy their sippy-cups.

At conclusion, when exiting, go to the middle, it moves much faster than the side exits.

I didn't do any tips for the Jimmy Eat World show, but if you're going to a show at Club Zoo, and you want to be close up to the band, get there early and wait in line. It's a small venue and there are only a few select places and no seating.

Lastly, I got to try Popeye's Chicken. Actually their Fries, is it Popeye's Fries or Popeye's Chicken's Fries? I don't know but when that thought bubble appeared I was like "I am so blogging that shit!"

*Update*

If you watched Tosh's special on the CC last night then you basically got the same show. Obviously being in San Fran he didn't do all the Pittsburgh-is-fat jokes. You also didn't see the Katrina jokes, even more Big Ben jokes and he definitely went easy on the women there. Still a thumbs up and that whole replacing his sister's mace with silly string still killed me.

Pictures!

2011-03-01T10:11:00.000-05:00

I have to admit that I've been a Debbie-Downer the past few days. My apologies. I can't help it. I've somehow stumbled into a vortex of suck and can't get out of it. I happen to look into my phone that is currently bordering on glorified paper weight status, I found some pictures I took that I thought were funny.

The product here is actually for a Bath Sheet, I hope I'm not the only one who didn't think that first.

This is a used can of air at Sears. Such a great deal for a used can of air, marked down a mere .06 cents.

Spotted in a Costco parking lot, proving my theory that everyone is a member.

today's gonna suck.

2011-02-28T09:47:00.000-05:00

Short post today because today is going to suck.

I was feeling confident about my call to tell boss-people I want a new job title until I found out that my conversation will most likely be discussed on another call tomorrow that has everyone in my region on it. I feel like I won't be able to speak my mind but on the other hand, why should I give a shit?

I think I'm going to ask call-person to keep my conversation discreet so it's not "taken out of context". Yes, I'd like to thank all the celebrities that have used that phrase in the past year. You inspire me.

Possible update to follow.

FML: Corporate Edition

2011-02-25T06:51:00.001-05:00

I am living a Corporate Soap Opera. Here's a [generic, to avoid getting fired] update on what's going on in my corporate world.

In November, the drama reached a fever pitch when I was demoted from Boss Lady down to Underling and was merged with another Branch run by Lurch from the Addams Family. Lurch couldn't spell and had bad grammar but had a heart of gold. Lurch no like his position. Lurch try for new position. Lurch got new position leaving Demoted, Deflated, Little Alexis to run two branches without even being asked. Totally Rad.

At first I though it was terrible and wanted to immediately wiggle out of it. But as the news sunk in that I may be a Bigger Boss Lady, at least temporarily I quickly schemed that this was going to be a good thing because that meant hours! As in more money! Being an Underling sucks when it comes to hours so now I'm hatching an evil plan to get more hours and more money and pay off various debts. Perhaps the cats could go back to wet food now! I am mentally rubbing my hands together like an evil genius.

On slight hiccup in my plan to take back my paycheck is March 5th. Daniel Tosh night. There is absolutely no way that I would miss that for anything. I've already put out an alert that no matter what, even if the President showed up and needed my help, I would not be missing Daniel Tosh. Ok, if Obama really did show up, I'd probably make an exception, but he would have to promise to fix Healthcare and... be a vegetarian. That's the only way I'd miss Tosh Night in Pittsburgh.

GIFSoup

I mean, who could pass that up?!

FML: Random Lost Garment Edition

2011-02-22T15:07:00.000-05:00

I have a secret, one of many, but I'm sharing this one; it kinda drives me crazy when I see a random thing that belongs in a pair, in a place where it doesn't belong. For example; the single shoe in the side of the road. What the fuck is that? Who loses a shoe on the side of the road? It bothers me because I can't imagine someone so careless but it bothers me more that now I have to think about that shoe. I think up scenarios of how the shoe got separated from its brother. I try and rationalize a good reason to explain a single shoe on the side of the road. It's hard being me in my brain. I think of stuff and I can't stop.

Now in my old age I'm scared that I may becoming one of those people. The humanity! I had to run into PetStore for a few items, mostly because Somara, the old lady cat, is somehow becoming obese and I need to monitor what she shovels into her trap more closely, so I was picking up some Blue Buffalo Weight Control. I was in a rush because my boyfriend, who is going in for a rather icky procedure and has to drink some icky stuff was in the car feeling icky so I was trying to get in and out quickly. In my rush I think I lost one of my gloves. The thought of my poor .50 cent glove laying in a puddle somewhere really sends chills up my spine. I lost track of my glove when I had to enter in my info in the credit card machine since PetStore changed their machines to heat-sensitive pads, the machines obviously don't appreciate the No Glove, No Love campaign.

So yes, if you see a single black glove around a PetStore it was ME. I'M the careless idiot now with only one glove.

Jimmy Eat World Part Deux

2011-02-18T08:07:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures from the Jimmy Eat World show, I'm still on Cloud 9 and I still feel tired. I'm old.

These pictures were graciously taken by my brother with his Samsung Windows Phone. So while they're not great, they're pretty rad for a damn phone.

If they roll into your town I'd recommend checking them out. Jimmy Eat World may not be hardcore like Static Prevails or Bleed American, but they are still hardcore.

The Jimmy Eat World Show

2011-02-15T08:58:00.002-05:00

I can now cross something off my bucket list, I didn't even have a bucket list until last night when I finally got to see Jimmy Eat World live. Holy hell that was amazing. I can cross off "See Jimmy Eat World Live" and with a bullet point under that "See '23' performed live". Being able to see it and sing it with a club packed with people was incredible. I wonder what it's like for the band?

If you follow Jimmy Eat World on Twitter then you know they do this thing where they tweet a picture of the crowd, here's Pittsburgh's picture:

Via @jimmyeatworld

I knew they did this since I was a follower so I wanted to make sure I got in on it, and I did.

Yep.

That's all for now, I will have a Part 2 coming up with pictures and maybe a video if it doesn't get me in trouble.

You can listen to 23 at their MySpace page:
23

Being More Social, Part I

2011-02-14T09:32:00.000-05:00

Does anyone else love using 'I's as ones? I do, makes me feel classy.

I'll be spending Valentine's Day with Jimmy Eat World (and my boyfriend) and I'm excited. So excited that I've already checked three times to make sure I still have the tickets. I predict I will be doing this all day and all through the car ride until I'm actually in the venue. Anyone else do that?

Tomorrow and the next day is our Valentine's Day because that's when all the candy goes on sale. Happy V-Day to all the regular people who don't have a I-Never-Pay-Retail-For-Anything complex.

FML - The Water Bill Edition

2011-02-10T10:39:00.000-05:00

This next Fuck My Life edition is The Water Bill.

I'm not sure how it's done elsewhere, but every three months we get a water bill. Mine and Eric's water usage ranges between 8,000 gallons - 8,300 gallons of water and the bill is always the same.

I happened to be at work when I missed a call from an unknown number. I checked my v-mail and it was a lady from the Water Authority saying that this was a courtesy call because they just read my meter (ha!) and my water usage was higher than normal to the tune of 112,000 gallons.

My heart stopped and I died. Yes, I am dead and I am typing from the beyond.

One hundred and twelve thousand gallons?! My bill was going to be in the millions! Then my mind flashed to my entire house filled to the attic and me opening my front door and water gushing out and washing me away, cut to getting a letter from Al Gore expressing his disappointment with me and telling me I killed all the polar bears. Fuck my life.

I frantically called the lady back and luckily unlike the Gas Lady, this lady was nice and pleasant. She told me she would send out a service man to re-read the meter since it could be a misread and after that, she'll call me back. About fifteen minutes later I get the call and she reassures me that it was a misread and no, I didn't use 112,000 gallons of water but I did use 12,000 gallons of water which is still higher than normal.

Again, like the last call I freaked out in my brain while the lady gave me suggestions on how to test for a leak. Here are some FYIs for your own brains:

1. Make sure all the water in your house is off. Go to the meter and if your meter is spinning and you know all the water is off, then you have a leak.

2. Put drops of food coloring in the toilet tank (about 8-10) and if the water in the bowl turns the color of the food coloring (without flushing it, duh.) then you have what's called a "Silent Leak" and your toilet needs fixed.

Later that day when Eric got home I told him the conclusion of the Water Bill Saga and as I was speaking I remembered that he has been taking a lot of baths lately. My boyfriend works outside all day, doing construction so taking a bath is probably relaxing for him, but c'mon, every day? So I suggested that maybe he take a shower instead and he gave me this little nugget hilarity:

I'm tired when I get home and I don't feel like standing to get clean.

Yep.

FML - The Gas Bill edition

2011-02-08T08:25:00.000-05:00

My life has been so fucked up recently that I am starting a new posting series called "FML - _______" Today's post is Fuck My Life - The Gas Bill edition.

I'm not going to lie when I tell you now that I miss my all-electric apartment. I don't miss the actual apartment but I do miss the all-electricness of it. My gas bill last month was $160, it doubled over the previous month. I have no idea what happened. The company I go through has this courtesy, that if your bill is way out of the ordinary then they'll send you a nice little analysis along with your bill. It shows the usage, the weather for that billing month in hopes of easing you into the sticker shock of receiving such a bill. Thanks. Not.

I paid the bill, forgoing some peoples' advice to call the company and be put on a budget. Getting yourself on a budget means that you pay the same amount every month no matter the usage. We keep our house at 68 degrees so really I had no idea why our bill ballooned the way it did, I figured it was a fluke and our next bill would even things out.

ERRR Wrong.

I opened my current bill to see it was twenty dollars cheaper than before, freakin' $140. Wow. Great. Now I'm convinced I have a leak somewhere. I called the company to see what the hell was going on, surely this was wrong, after all it said this month's bill was an estimate.

I get on the phone and get an annoyed-sounding Black lady. Race really has nothing to do with it, but it was glaringly obvious. I talk to her about my bill, ask about a budget and in her annoyed tone she said that my budget would be $74 a month no matter what. I told her I wasn't sure and I then asked her if I could give her the reading from the meter and if she could tell me if my bill was cheaper with customer reading vs. the esitmate. She [annoyingly] said no she couldn't tell me the amount but I could give her the reading anyway.

So I did.

And in her annoyed tone she says "Well, actually, the reading you just gave me is higher than the previous one.

......

Well, FUCK MY LIFE.

In my head I was like WTF!!, but really I said "How could this happen?! We leave our heat on 68 degrees! I thought I smelled gas outside my house! Could we have a leak?!" And I definitely shouldn't have said anything about getting a whiff of natural gas to the natural gas lady because almost immediately she dispatched a gas-guy to my house to make sure everything was ok.

The call was coming to a close and then this last part really made me feel ashamed; you know when you call a company and at the end of the conversation the customer rep says "Are you completely satisfied with my performance/call/experience?" I really should have said something about her tone but instead I "Yes, thank you." Yep. I'm a pussy.

Then the gas guy showed up and of course everything was normal. I was really hoping that he would find something that would explain the bill, but everything is fine.

Eric got home later that day and I asked him what we should to do get the bill under control and here's what we came up with.

1. Use less gas.

Just kidding, here's what we really came up with:

Me: Buy a counter top toaster oven so we don't heat up the regular oven for little things like garlic bread and chicken fingers.
Eric: Agrees

During our 1 minute conversation to turn our gas bill around, I did the sneaky girlfriend thing and thought of every single appliance that uses gas and figured out how to use that appliance less. So here's what I came up with:

Take over doing all the laundry.

That may seem like a really stupid idea, but my boyfriend does laundry like he's trying to wash the patterns off his clothes. Everything is on Heavy Duty, the temperature is always Hot and the Dryer is always set to High for like 2 hours. Since he has 5X more clothes than I do [not exaggerating] then soon we should see a drop in the gas bill.

Next on FML will be "FML - The Water Bill Edition"

i'll be in front of the computer all day. no i'm not at work either.

2011-02-07T07:21:00.000-05:00

The other day I read a post over at The Consumerist that really resonated with me, it was a girl who wrote in with a list of things she wish she did before her house burned down. Honestly, how can anyone not find that kind of hindsight useful? No one tells you what you need, besides insurance of course, if your house burns down and you lose everything.

Today will be spent essentially taking inventory of our house. Scanning receipts, taking pictures and giving myself some extra insurance in case something terrible happens.

Photos, Pictures, Images - stuff to put in your eyeballs.

2011-02-06T16:20:00.000-05:00

Check out my new monster.

goal.

2011-02-06T06:42:00.001-05:00

Pictures on my blog are going to get much more interesting since I am now the ~~guilty~~ proud owner of a Nikon D5000. Don't ask how I got it, it obviously wasn't through the hard work, perseverance and saving like I had planned, but no whoring was involved. I can take comfort in that.

Here is a picture I took with the camera out of the box, everything was on Easy Mode.

Perhaps a name change is in order.

2011-02-02T08:23:00.000-05:00

My inspiration for posting posts here has been dwindling. Being inside for the 14 hours I'm awake every day has drained any sort of new ideas for entries, I'm equating my life right now to that of someone trapped alone on a desert island Castaway style. Who wants to read about one person doing nothing, every. single. day. ? That's my life right now. Until I saw something in the snow this morning at 6am. No it wasn't pee.

Footprints in the snow. Leading up to my bedroom window. Then to the neighbor's deck. Yeah, that at 6am..

I have mentioned here before that Prowlers, Burglars, Break-Ins are my Kryptonite. Any noises I hear while I'm home alone means I am in immediate danger, and if for some reason I'm home alone at night? - I keep my Ativan close while gripping an especially evil looking Golf Putter.

So this morning when I went out to my car and I noticed very large footprints coming from my driveway, continuing through my yard, going up to my window then continuing to my neighbor's house, I had an internal freak out. Eric had already left for work so I was home alone, with my brain.

Immediately I knew someone was casing the joint - ok, my house, I can't pull of "joint" only Spike Lee can, and they must have done it at 3am while I was sleeping. Oh god, someone was creeping around my window while I slept. Besides Panic Mode, Defense Mode set in as well. We happen to have a very old 1950s front door with a glass diamond cut out of it for a window, or as I imagined it a very large peep hole for the creeper to figure out which item he's going to take first, the Xbox or the TV. Or Murphy. So I did the most logical thing possible, I covered the giant diamond peephole with purple construction paper. Purple because there was no black. Why was there no black construction paper?!

Oh wait. Construction paper was second, taking pictures of the footprints for evidence came first. You know, just in case I was dead and then the cops could look in my camera and see the footprints and find the perp. And then Keith Morrison with Dateline will praise me, the dead girl, at how resourceful I was when my episode airs.

So I taped up the diamond. Next I made sure the the curtains and blinds were tightly closed at my bedroom window, the obvious peep-point for the creeper.

Those curtains made me realize that we didn't have curtains on the big window in my living room, only blinds and frequently Murphy gets behind those blinds to be cute and if Murphy is behind the blinds then that means there's a sliver of openness that the creeper could see into. That means I had to put up the crappy lacy, doily-looking curtains back up.

My mind continued to snowball when the lacy-doily curtains made me think of the windows in the basement and all the open slivers those window coverings left, there was no way I was leaving the house with open slivers! I hurried downstairs and taped up the curtains. There was no time for purple construction paper.

Running up the basement steps I came face to face with the kitchen door and seeing the sheer curtains, left over from the previous owner, was no form of protection from peeping peepers, I posed a pair of Eric's man shoes within sight and I brought the snow shovel in and propped it up next to the shoes. Why did I do this? For one, I didn't want the snow shovel getting stolen and second, my mind played out a scene where after some snow-shoveling, the big burly man of the house brought the shovel in with him since he was tired from all that snow-shoveling.

6am people. 6am.

I felt a little bit better after that. I kissed all my cats goodbye, told Murphy to stay off the lacy-doily curtains and started my way to work. As I was pulling out Murphy was climbing the curtains.

After I called Eric and told him about ~~my crazy~~ the footprints, I said I would call the cops when I got to work just to be extra safe. Unable to wait that long I called while driving, which sounds really dumb when I type that since I was calling the cops from my cellphone while driving which is against the law. I explained the situation to the dispatcher and he said an officer would call me back. A few minutes later an officer called me back and without even visiting the scene of the almost-crime he explained the footprints.

It was the first of the month and it was a meter reader getting my numbers.

Fuck. My. Life.

I am considering switching up the blog name to Alexis Overreacts To It All because that's obviously what I'm good at.

my cats eat money instead of cat food.

2011-01-28T16:30:00.000-05:00

I love money and money can buy my happiness any time it wants to. I have strange relationship with money. I am incredibly cheap, like I've been using shitty Rimmel mascara for the past month even though it flakes and irritates my eyes because I'm too cheap to just go out and buy the mascara I actually like. (I've since purchased new Mascara only because I found it on clearance for 75% off! Score!) And then there are times when I am irrational with money and I go out and buy stuff like crazy. It's either one or the other, hot or cold, I don't get medium or warm.

Currently I'm suffering from Negative Monies Syndrome, this affliction occurs when I get ADD with my debit card. I've signed up with a [free - duh, I'm cheap] financial website that downloads my transaction history and analyzes it for me. I get a cool pie chart and the cold, hard truth laid out for me, which is what I need to help snap myself out of my mindless spending.

I was pouring over the charts, details, and analytics concerning my money and I was shocked to see a rather large pink piece of the pie dedicated to my Pet spending. The amount was so shocking that I don't even want to type it on this blog for fear you may think I was running a cat farm. Sure, the amount was rather huge and it was a total of three months of Cat Spending, but what embarrasses me more than the monetary amount of Cat Food and Cat Litter purchased was when I looked at the amount spent on Groceries - it paled in comparison to the cat spending. As in a fraction. As in I better make sure I'm not eating cat food. As in I should be a lot fucking skinnier.

So my cats and I are going to have to make some sacrifices around here. Perhaps instead of every night they have canned cat food, they only get it a few times a week. I dunno. But until one of them gets a job* and start helping out around here then we're all riding on Sacrifice Street.

*I'd be lying if I said I didn't look up cat casting calls around the city. Murphy would kill it.

Not Joking

2011-01-22T06:50:00.000-05:00

A New Leaf Perhaps?

2011-01-21T08:09:00.000-05:00

It seems the year 2011 is going to be a Social one for me. I'm not that much of a social person, I don't like going out that much because I hate traffic, crowds, parking, idiots, idiots who can't drive, idiots who can't park, idiots in the clubs, idiots in front of me in line and the list could go on and on and on. Basically if it's not an empty, quiet room then I hate it. But in 2011 I have two, count them two! events to go to in the city of Pitts which will require me to encounter all kinds of idiots - the very thing that keeps me in the comfort of my own home.

I'm spending Valentine's Day with none other than Jimmy Eat World who is playing a show in the city. Futures is one of my lifetime favorite albums, it's constantly in my CD player and I am not exaggerating when I say I listened to is for 3 months straight. I personally don't like their newest album Invented, it's a little folksy for me and I don't appreciate the addition of that girl. I would much prefer to listen to Jim Adkins alone than with a distracting backup. Sorry, that girl, I'm not digging it.

Less than a month later I'll be traveling back into the Pitts because Daniel Tosh decided not to be a tool and actually visit Pittsburgh and you can bet I got tickets for that shit. Not only is Mr. Tosh.0 incredibly nice to look at, he makes me laugh my ass off and I love his comedy; offensive yet true.

My Chemical Romance can take a page out of both of their books. I love MCR but the fact that they refuse to come to Pittsburgh is making me not like them. A couple years ago I held two tickets to their show but they cancelled due to Food Poisoning, I later found out that yes, they had Food Poisoning, but they were better by the time their Pittsburgh date arrived and instead of playing here they cancelled us to play in Cleveland. After saying they'd reschedule, they never did and do not plan on gracing us with their presence this tour either. That's fine, they're all married and have kids and everyone knows that kids ruin bands.

Anyone else going to any of these shows? Tell me now so I know to avoid you! Just kidding.

do i know something that i just don't know i know?

2011-01-20T09:01:00.001-05:00

I'm going to be 28 soon and for some this is a time for panic but for me I'm more like meh. Thinking about turning 28 and trying to find that ounce of panic that I know other people go through when turning a year older and not living up to their high school fantasies triggered a thinking reaction.

Figuring out something to blog about ► Thinking of turning 28 ► Not panicking ► Wondering why I'm not panicking ► Trying to think of words to describe the non-panic ► Thinking about my entire life and how I live on auto-pilot ► Thinking about why I live on auto-pilot ► Trying to write a blog post about this.

This mini-self discovery of how I live like I'm on a permanent dose of Xanax made me start to fantasize about why I live the way I do. Why don't I care? Why don't I sweat the big stuff? The obvious answer is:

I'm a higher being and the meaning of life is buried somewhere in my brain and I don't need to worry about shit. Oh, and that I'm better than everyone else. Boo-yah!

The only time I had a small shiver of freak-out over aging another year was when I have to check those boxes that generalize age, like the 18-24 box when I turned 25. I didn't like having to check the next box up. The next mini freak-out was when I turned 26 and I found a gray hair that day. It was like it was waiting until my Birthday and was like HELLO!. I didn't mind finding the gray hair but it pissed me off that it waited until that day to show itself. When I turned 27, I discovered getting old means getting cracked heels. Never in my life have I had dry feet or a problem with dry heels, but when I turned 27 that shit started.

So I can't wait to see what adventures will come about when I turn 28. Perhaps an arm will fall off or I'll need hip replacement surgery, because each year after 25 shit continues downhill.

I hope someone will share their aging horror stories with me. And I'll keep everyone posted on the whole higher being thing.

blagging.

2011-01-17T11:02:00.000-05:00

I'm bringing back the "Lagging in Blogging" or as I called it "Blagging". Blagging is when I blog about why I'm lagging behind in my blogs, not an example of how a Bostonian would pronounce Blogging.

Netflix.

Oh how I love Netflix. I really underestimated the power of having endless movies and TV shows to stream directly into my eyeballs because now that's all Eric and I do. We stream Netflix via our Roku Box in case anyone wants to look into it. (It's fucking genius.) Outside human interaction has been limited to only going to places when extremely necessary. Like PetSmart and Giant Eagle. Not a lot of funny stuff happens when you're running in and out of stores as fast as possible to minimize the time we're away from Netflix. Seriously. Send Help.

There are some pitfalls to Netflix, not only do they have an abundance of shit to watch, they have an abundance of cancelled tv shows to watch and Eric and I are trying to get over the heartbreak of falling in love with one particular show and then having it break up with us for no reason.

That show would be none other than Veronica Mars. I remember when this show came out but passed it up because I thought it sounded dumb - a high school girl in the same vein as Nancy Drew, so I never watched it. Being bored one Saturday evening I decided to put on the Pilot Episode and was more than surprised at how interesting and adult the show was. I continued to watch it and then Eric joined in and then it became this event where as soon as the two of us were in a room together, we were watching Veronica Mars until I fell asleep.

We quickly came upon the doomed Season 3 where the show was cancelled, and oh god, the cliffhangers. The unanswered questions. I'm heartbroken that there is no more Veronica Mars to watch, there's a hole in my heart where she used to be. I've since made a mini-vow to myself to not watch any more shows that have been cancelled without warning. Veronica Mars went on hiatus then returned with 5 episodes and then just *poof* was gone. I recall feeling this heart break before when I fell in love with NBC's ill-fated nursing drama Mercy. Even though I am a rational, non-crazy young woman, I can't handle watching good shows die an unexpected death, I can handle shows that come to a close but not the ones that just up and leave me.

I'm a few years late but I'd really like to sign the Veronica Mars petition. Let's bring her back!

i'm all adult -n- shit

2011-01-13T08:33:00.000-05:00

I would just like to state the obvious - being an adult sucks, being a responsible adult sucks even more. There are plenty of adults that go out there and do whatever they want all the time, those are the adults that buy booze for kids or have the good weed, you will not find that I know such adults or am such an adult. Sorry kids go be corrupted elsewhere.

I fall into the Responsible & Boring Adult category. Yes it's true, I know it's a shocker, so take a deep breath, it'll be ok. Let me tell you that I do sometimes wish upon a star that I could be someone who could let loose and not think about the consequences, throw caution to the wind and yell Fuck It! to the sky but I can't. I don't have it in me. The times I have "let loose" in my own Responsible & Boring Adult way, something has always come up right after that made me regret letting myself off my own tight leash.

I'm blogging today because I came *this close* to buying a $749 camera at Costco despite not being entirely able to afford such a purchase. It started when I was looking at the Costco website and saw a snippet about saving $200 on DSLR cameras. I [regrettably] clicked on it and discovered the Nikon D5000, the camera I've been lusting over for a couple months now, on sale, with two lenses for a steal of a deal. God I want that camera.

The whole day I was justifying obtaining the camera in my head. I figured I could buy it and pay back my savings, no problemo. I said to myself because my hours were picking up more I'd be able to handle it even though it was spending all my money before I even had it. I was *this close* to buying it, I just wanted to talk to Eric about it first see what he had to say. Talking to Eric is basically getting the Green Light to do anything I want. Eric's mentality to money is similar to the Nike slogan: Just Do It. He believes we're going to be dead soon so why deny ourselves the happiness of having all the stuff we want?

But before Eric could get home and drive me to go buy my camera, I checked the mailbox and retrieved a letter marked County Tax Bill. Fuuuuuuck. We got our County Tax Bill which made me think of the School Tax Bill we'll eventually be getting and my camera dreams popped like an overinflated balloon to the face. No way could I let myself buy something that expensive when I'm looking at $1300 in Bills that insist on being paid in full.

This post is a contract with myself that I will not be buying the camera until I have the cash to pay for it. It's torture to see that I could save $200 now and buy it instead of letting it creep back up to the original $949 price. So no Camera for me and no nice pictures for you guys. We'll have to get through this together.

Nurse Bitchy.

2011-01-07T10:26:00.000-05:00

With the invention of the internet, the limitless vortex of information on demand twenty-four hours a day it seems that when we get sick it's the first place we turn ~~to scare ourselves shitless~~ to gain information on what ails us and I'm 100% positive Doctors hate this. It used to be that we would get an appointment and would trust our physicians wholeheartedly because we weren't doctors ourselves but now with the internet we are our own doctors and when we feel bad enough to visit an actual licensed practitioner we quote the internet and we get eye rolls, chuckles and the general vibe that internet knowledge is not welcome behind their reception area.

I understand that most internet-diagnosticians are crack pots that simply cut or burned themselves and then never bathed again but in our case, I'd really like to punch someone in the face, particularly one lady who happens to be named Nurse Betty.

My boyfriend has been sick for what seems like forever. He's been to the ER on more than one occasion only to be sent home with a shrug and an unspecified "Viral Infection" as his diagnosis. After searching his symptoms and realizing he could have contracted a parasite from food we requested he be tested for a parasite after all other options had been exasperated. Unfortunately his Doctors were booked so he had to see their Nurse Practitioner who gets handed the non-important patients and in my opinion should be shot. Not only did she shrug off my boyfriend, blaming his smoking and stress on his symptoms, she also told him that his inability to eat and lack of appetite was good for him since he is a little bit over weight for his height.

That my friends, is not a joke nor an exaggeration.

She did tell him that he should see a Gastro specialist and would set up an appointment. She did not set up the appointment, I did, and luckily he was able to get in quickly. After the appointment we went to the local hospital to get some tests done and ironically one of the tests should be looking for a parasite, something we requested be looked at since the first week he was sick and it's been almost a month now. He's being tested for some other things, things that could end up being really serious and I'm trying my best not to think of the possibilities and just wait until we know for sure before officially freaking the fuck out.

Perhaps something that will make me feel better is to write an anonymous letter to the Doctor's office complaining about their nurse. Thoughts? While I don't really want to see someone get fired, a person with a medical license who says to someone who can't eat and has no appetite that it's good because they don't match a weight/height chart should probably go fuck themselves. Or work for Jenny Craig.

a rocky start

2011-01-05T06:53:00.024-05:00

A few days into 2011 and it's not looking like it's going to be Our Year. I've been away since my boyfriend has been sick for like a month and not a damn person can tell us what's wrong with him. These are the times that I wish House really existed, we could really use a snarky doctor and his team. I'd even let them into our house, no break-ins necessary. I may have to sleep with Dr. Chase and his Australian accent, but that's a small price to pay for Eric's well being, he'd understand. Like every other sad sap medical story, being sick = no work = no income. We haven't seen any of Eric's bills yet but I'm sure they'll be hitting our mailbox 6 months from now since that's how the industry rolls in our great nation. There should be some kind of statute of limitations when it comes to medical bills.

For New Year's Eve I did what I do best and fell asleep at 11:15pm. I haven't seen that time of night in so long I can only credit being able to stay awake that late due to Pepsi Throwback and watching Wipe Out reruns on Hulu. I also slacked off in the Resolutions department but I stopped making resolutions years ago when I realized that no one can make me do anything I don't want to and that includes myself. I did tell me I was going to print out a calendar and write stuff on it. That has yet to be fulfilled. One thing I'm going to do is to save for a new camera, I'm eyeing up the Nikon D5000. I decided I'm going to save for it instead of slapping it down on a credit card that is lacking space for an $899 piece of electronic equipment. I keep telling myself that saving for it and buying it outright with money I worked hard for will make it all the sweeter. We'll see. There are only so many times I can see the perfect set up for an awesome bird picture and not be able to capture it before my head explodes.

meet c.o.w

2010-12-22T07:57:00.004-05:00

I have a fourth cat which officially makes me a "cat lady" I'd prefer something like "cat miss" because I am not old enough to be a lady nor am I a lady in the sense of being prim and proper.

This is c.o.w:

c.o.w stands for Can of Worms because I believe this cat is a girl and that it is growing a boat load of kittens. As soon as I figured out I was feeding a cat when I would toss out uneaten cat food into my yard (go figure) the bleedingheartanimallover in me started to freak out about its welfare. Lately in the Keystone State it's been getting around 18 degrees at night (as a high!) and I was so wrought with guilt about this cat being outside not snuggled up to a heater like my cats, I went and built a Feral Cat Box from directions on the internet. Eric helped me build it and we stuffed it with all kinds of warm stuff including straw. Not hay. Did you know the only place to buy straw at 8 o'clock at night is the craft store Michael's? Not kidding.

The same time every evening she appears and stares at my house. More specifically into my ~~soul~~ window until I get the hint that she's hungry. She's a funny cat, she leaves my birds alone and will walk to and from in the paw prints she previously made. Obviously this weirdo cat was one of mine in another life.

HERE is this link I referenced when we built our feral cat house.

Clarification: I got 2 texts from separate people thinking I got another cat. I could tell their text octave went up when ?! was the end of their sentence. I simply ~~love~~ feed this cat so it doesn't die. It's an outside-only cat that won't come near me. PS: Thanks for ~~skimming~~ reading my blog friends! :) :)

X-Mas Break

2010-12-21T07:50:00.000-05:00

I put X-Mas just to piss off all you "Keep Christ in Christmas!" people.

After today I am officially not working again until 2011. Pretty sweet eh? I'm sure I just cursed myself by typing that. Anyway. I don't know about my Blog Frequency since I don't like getting on my home computer because the desk is a travesty. It's a four-legged waste paper basket strewn with old bills, dust, cat prints, random cords and clutter. Sure I could clean it up but I have a boyfriend that resembles Pig Pen and the desk will return to it's orderly chaos about 2.3 hours after cleaning it. I try and get him to clean it himself, a trick that all live-in girlfriends try by putting old bills, receipts and other paper clutter directly in front of the workspace so he has to do something with it in order to work on the computer but like ever other live-in boyfriend he simply makes a space large enough to move the mouse around. Our shared desk space infuriates me yet at the same time gives me an anxiety attack when I am forced to be in the same room with it.

Perhaps we'll finish painting the rest of our living room, after all we are the Anti-Christs this year because we didn't even put up our tree. Yes, our first Christmas in our new house and no tree, no lights, nothing. I'm kind of sad about it, but then again Eric and I already exchanged gifts since we are two can't-waiters so any presents under the tree will just be for everyone else. And that's sad.

But I'll be starting the Christmas Break off right by going to my dentist tonight to get fillings! Nothing says Happy Holidays like getting drilled. In the tooth. I put off getting my teeth drilled into because 1. the cavities don't hurt and 2. my teeth are super tight together so I am kind of afraid of what instruments they'll have to use in order to get between the teeth and fill that shit. I'll also share with you that I'm a vain bitch and get the resin instead of the silver.

So I hope you all have a nice Christmas / Holiday / Whatever you want to call it.

it's not special if everyone is doing it.

2010-12-20T07:21:00.001-05:00

Retailers, I'd like to have a chat with you. Here, take a seat, gather round, and read my words.

Stop with the fucking loyalty cards already.

I'm not talking about your credit cards, I'm talking about those fucking cards you give me that fit on my key chain for "convenience" when in reality it's to keep me and the 10 people behind me in line hostage in your store while I flip through thousands of key chain cards to find yours.

Everyone and their parent company has these cards now so explain to me what is the point? If every company and their customer has a card, why can't we just eliminate them? I know why you put them out in the first place, you wanted your loyal customers to feel special so they get your special sales but since you gave that little key chain card out to everyone and their extended family then there's really no more feeling privileged to have my P.A.L.S card dangling from my 10lb key chain.

This card is exactly why I don't shop at Rite-Aid anymore. A few weeks ago I was at a Rite Aid store and some old woman was in front of me buying peanut brittle and Depends and some other old lady knick knacks when she was denied a sale price because she wasn't signed up for your God forsaken Wellness Card. That's when a light bulb clicked on in my head - you retailers are idiots. Now what do you expect the old lady did when she found out she didn't qualify for the lesser price? She said "I don't want it then."

Read that line again: I don't want it then.

You just lost a sale. Instead of allowing the old lady to purchase her knick knack at the sale price you offered in your circular, you are now left with the knick knack to gather dust on your shelf, where it will end up in the clearance bin until it's marked down to less than half of what the loyalty card sale price was.

Wow. To me that makes a fuck ton of sense.

I could always take the 5 minutes to sign up for that stupid Rite Aid card, but guess what? I don't feel like it. I don't feel like adding another card to my key chain. I don't feel like being hassled about a Wellness Card when I want to buy something. Here are eleven other reasons why I don't want another card:

Dick's
CVS
Autozone
Sears
PetSmart
PetCo
Best Buy
Giant Eagle
Sears
True Value
Library Card*

That's right, eleven cards on my key chain. So why don't we just save the plastic and put a stop to these loyalty cards because they aren't worth it. Retailers; just give your sales to everyone instead of hassling them with these douchey cards, I'm sure everyone will be more than happy to continue to shop at your establishments with or without a piece of plastic hanging from their key chain.

*Library Card gets a pass but it's still listed because it's the biggest and fattest card of them all.

this week from blogger stats

2010-12-16T07:49:00.000-05:00

I'm really impressed with Blogger and the integration of Blogger Stats. Impressed because it makes me LOL.

Here are some totally true searches that brought people to my Blog this week:

how to fake a break in
big boobs teen blogspot.com
how long do deer stay scared after rifle season

I'm sure that the break-in one has gotten me on some sort of watch list. Thanks Blogger.

Here are some totally true searches for the Month:

alexis break in
alexis texas treadmill
being talentless

Ha! And by Ha! I mean WTF.

A Conversation

2010-12-15T08:37:00.000-05:00

Scene: A couple, lying in bed watching a movie.

Girl: *Sniff Sniff*

Boy continues to watch movie

Girl: *Sniffs Boy's shirt*

Boy: WHAT are you doing?

Girl: *Sniff* Something smells musty. Do you smell that?

Boy: (Angry Tone) Oh so you smell me? Thanks a lot.

Boy moves away from girl in bed.

Girl: *Rolling her eyes* I know it's not me, I just got out of the tub!

Couple continues watching movie.

Boy gets up to go smoke

Boy: Oh. That musty smell is my house shoes. I think I need new ones.

Thanks BBC

2010-12-13T11:46:00.003-05:00

I believe we can learn a lot about other cultures through their television shows. No need to travel abroad, no need to be publicly raped by the TSA (per Khloe Kardashian), just flip on the BBC and you're good to go.

I've been neglectful of the blog because ~~I was called an idiot~~ I've been streaming Netflix non-stop and I've been able to indulge in all things BBC. Don't ask me what BBC stands for because I may say Big Black Cock or something else that doesn't actually mean the real BBC, because the BBC is insane.

I just finished watching Skins Volume 1 & 2 and before it was not-so-clearly explained with an accent I thought these kids were in college because in the first two minutes of Episode 1 there were TITS. As in boobs. ON A TV SHOW that's categorized as "Teen Drama". Then in the following minutes, there were F-Words. As in FUCK. Followed by smoking spliffs as in MARIJUANA. I really couldn't believe the freedom this show had. First of all, in the Americas, a show like that would only be on HBO or not on TV at all, it would be a movie that would end up with the tramp stamp of NC-17. I think I need to point out again that this show is categorized on Netflix as a Teen Drama. Maybe it's shown on the BBC version of HBO over there. Anyway, I became addicted to Skins and had to watch every single episode whenever I could. I'm sad that the deviant kids I fell in love with on the show aren't on anymore since it's a show chronicling the lives of 16 year olds. I seriously had a crush on Sid, he's only 5 years younger than me. That's not creepy right? (Call me! or as you would say it Ring Me!)

Sid (Mike Bailey)

Before I had Netflix I watched Gavin & Stacey on OnDemand. Another great show that ended after only 3 Seasons. What's up with the short-lived shows BBC? You need to pull a Sopranos or Lost and go for 6+ Seasons.

Now Eric has caught the BBC via Netflix because he's making me watch a film called Cashback. So far it's really good and I don't say that because of the female full frontals. I'm in the process of finishing it.

Whilst I am thoroughly enjoying myself crushing on young Englishmen I know I've skipped out on the blogging, my apologies for being a wanker.

(I can't pull off English speak can I?)

Congratulations, idiot.

2010-12-10T11:21:00.005-05:00

I've recently discovered the beauty of Damn You Autocorrect (.com) and since I frequent the site so much and they can't post the autocorrects fast enough, I decided to peruse the other options available beside DYAC.

Enter Funny Receipts.

Now I happen to have a funny receipt, I took a picture of it after I purchased Whole Milk. Homogenized Whole Milk. The receipt said: Homo Milk. Now being on the Funny Receipt website, I decided to send in my funny receipt. Homo Milk is funny. Well my funny receipt got posted and I got my first ever anonymous angry comment. I don't understand this gentleman because he's on the Funny Receipt site but judging by his comment I think the concept is a bit over his head.

Enjoy. <-- Click (and don't forget to visit DYAC)

Crap.

2010-12-07T07:59:00.003-05:00

Since being [demoted] at work I've been looking for a second job. My reasoning is simple, 1. it's the slow season right now so hours are thin and I've just about used up all my vacation time. 2. I really want to stick it to my company - if I have a second job I'm not available at all times to them. You don't get it both ways; demotion and a happy employee? Not in this universe. I've also been looking into going back to school, but I'm not sure how serious I feel about that.

So I've been applying at all these places and have not been getting any responses. I'm kind of unnerved by it because for some of these places I've dumbed-down my resume for them. I'm not applying for management positions so I need to make myself look like a star worker-bee. I can't help but think that these establishments think I'm overqualified for their cashier position. Dude, a monkey is overqualified for your position so just fucking call me mmmkay?

Since I haven't been hearing back I decided to do the 'ol Google Yourself routine to see if my blog comes up. Luckily this blog isn't popular enough to appear on any page before 1,052. No I didn't confirm that number but it's definitely further down than anyone's attention span will go, which is fine by me. I would rather not think of people I actually know reading here and judging me in their minds when they see me in real life. That's terrifying.

Anyway. So I Googs myself, yes I'm penning Googs instead of Googling, you heard it here first, and two things pop out at me: First being an escort has taken my name. Couldn't have been a porn star, but a fucking escort AND I'm not even 100% it's a girl! There are only a few pictures, two being boob shots, the third being her/he/it laying on a couch looking away and oh god, it's such a strong jaw line. Oh god. And that shit comes up NUMERO UNO when you Googs my name. Fuck my life.

The second option directly under the fucking tranny escort is a report of a Bad Teacher. As in, My Name, was indicted for endangering the welfare of children because My Name was having explicit phone conversations with EIGHTH GRADERS and My Name could face up to 10 years in Prison and has resigned from the school she was employed.

Perhaps I'm not getting any call backs is because I'm a Tranny Escort who has explicit phone conversations with 8th Graders. You could say that perhaps going back to school and rising above all the other losers that are soiling my good name has jumped up on my priority list.

Rifle Season

2010-12-03T08:30:00.002-05:00

In PA, Rifle Season started November 29th. That means humans with guns walk around in the woods wearing Camo & Garbage Man Orange shooting animals. You can imagine my delight at this season.

Let me make my stance painfully clear here: While I don't like hunting, I understand that Deer Populations need to be controlled. However, I don't feel that treating animals like trophies, letting them die a painful, frightening, drawn-out death is right whether it be a squirrel or a deer.Would you want to die like a deer? Hunted? Scared? Bleeding? Then end up gutted and hanging from a tree?

Which is why Rifle Season for me, is Horn Honking Season. Go ahead and remember to put your PA Regulation 250 inches of Construction Cone Orange on because when I see you in those bare woods all cocked and ready to shoot, HONK HONK HONK. Come on, sitting in a tree stand all day waiting for some animals to wander over to your corn pile, that's not hunting, that's waiting around with a gun. We gotta make this a challenge for you.

Unfortunately, there's only so much I can do because the other morning while going out and re-filling my bird feeders hearing gunshots in the distance, I opened my door and the creaky door noise scared off about 7-8 Deer that were chillin' in a hollowed out hill a few hundred feet away from me, screaming NO NO NO COME BACK!! didn't help, so I smarted up and I threw some corn around hoping to entice them back to safety. Why couldn't those idiot deer just stay put? The deer that come around are so skittish and just like the scary Turkeys, they can totally see you when you're spying on them through the curtains. I think we may have mutant government spy Deer instead of regular deer.

Fingers crossed that Wonky Rack Deer survives:

MicroBlog, it's like Twitter only longer. (That's what she said!)

2010-11-30T08:22:00.000-05:00

Black Friday

Another Black Friday has passed and Eric and I consider ourselves triumphant. What I love most about about BF is that we get a glimpse of just how low businesses can actually go and still make money, it reveals the insane markups and in truth, Black Friday helps me keep my spending in-check for big ticket items. I did some calculations and Eric and I saved $768.57 over all of our purchases. $768.57 is definitely worth planning a few weeks out, researching and getting up a little bit early. This year we lucked out because retailers were offering Black Friday prices prior to Friday so we didn't have to get up at 2am, we didn't have to stand in line outside in the cold - the only line we had to stand in was in Staples to purchase our $10 label Maker (Marked down $30!) and a spindle of CD-Rs. Black Friday: Success

I have a Cell Number Stalker

While in the car coming back from Costco, I got a call from what looked like my own number. I looked at it again and saw that the number was insanely close to my own cellphone number, only two digits were off. I didn't answer it, it's become my policy [since being demoted at work] that I no longer answer numbers I don't know. If it's important they'll leave a message, if not, then you shouldn't have called me in the first place. I ignored the number. They called back about 3 seconds later. I had a quick internal debate and I was thinking maybe it was someone who knew me and got a new number or it was about something important, so I answered it. It sounded like the person was outside, I could hear wind and it was windy out that day, but they hung up on me. Hung up on ME! I let it go.

The next morning I wake up and I have a new text and it says: "what is your name?" I ignore it. I don't know this person and I don't understand why they started texting me when it's obvious we don't know each other. Later on that day while I was at work I get another text: "Who's phone is this?" Did they think by rephrasing the question I would answer? I almost did answer, I typed 5 different responses, each response was firm and basically telling them to leave me alone. I pictured Keith Morrison from Dateline reading the texts outloud during my special Dateline episode after I was mysteriously killed - so I wanted to make myself sound smart. I never hit send. This person doesn't know if I have a text message capable phone - hopefully they'll give up.

If they text again, should I respond? Give me your suggestions.

[Sidenote: I've had this phone number for 7 years so it can't be someone's friend who still has this person's old number. 7 years = MY number]